Struggles

I struggle to be who I am.

It's really difficult to be my own true self.

Tough times ahead.

The Road Not Taken

I don't write as well as other bloggers do.
I don't update my blog as frequent as you do.
I don't decorate my blog as beautiful as others do.
To say that I'm busy
and don't have time is just an excuse.

I seldom dwell on my personal feelings,
at least not as explicit as other bloggers do.
I'm a person who doesn't reveal much.
Even my friends don't know much about my private life.
I don't just go around
and tell people what I did on last Saturday night
or who I went out with on Sun afternoon.

Loneliness has become my loyal companion since small.
Dad and Mom were busy with their careers.
And they don't actually know what's my feeling being left alone.
Perhaps they don't even notice it.
I'm always keep my feelings within myself.
I have been neglected by my parents and
I actually hate being in a home
where dad and mom aren't always around.
What I desire most is not material needs
but love and attention from my beloved ones.

A lot of people are surprised
when I said I haven't had a relationship before.
As shocking as it could be, this is a fact.
I never come out to anyone, not even my best friend.
How could people expect me to have a boyfriend then?
I know, people have a lot to say.

I thought I have finally found my perfect guy.
A person who I could rely on.
Who I could share my happiness and sorrow.
Who I will shower with love and affection.
Yes, I did find one finally.

I know I'm not as perfect as the ex is.
I hope you don't compare.
Of course, you like me
because you are attracted by some part of me.
I know sometimes I sound demanding,
but actually,
I couldn't demand much coz it's a two parties thingy.
After all, we haven't even started officially yet.
The feelings are mutual, isn't it?
I hope both of us could give each other a chance,
at least, before you say it wouldn't work.

I know you share a happy and wonderful memory with him.
And so do I hope we could write ours as well.
I know I might sound selfish,
but sincerely I just hope that I'm given at least a chance.
Even a day will be sufficient.

Sometimes, it really hurts
when you listen to something which you do not like,
or which you do not expect to happen.
But, reality is cruel at times.
Days aren't always sunny.

I hope I'm not just a guy to fill that lonely gap.
A lacuna as it is called in law.
You're the right guy,
(my perfect guy)
but somehow the timing isn't perfect,
at least that is what you think
(Am I correct?)
When I read Ken's blog just now,
somehow I could relate to what he said,
though I haven't being in a relationship before.

Ken wrote:
"What can I do when all the signs are telling me that you no longer want me?
I'm not slow, I'm in denial."
The context might be different.
But does it reflect the situation in which we're stuck now?
I hope it doesn't. I really hope so.

Faith
I sincerely hope you have faith in both of us.
I have strong faith
not only in myself, but also you.

Future,
it is something which will happen in the days ahead.
We wouldn't know what will happen.
Perhaps as predicted by the Mayan Civilisation
the world will come to an end in 2012.

Who knows?
We don't know what will happen in futute.
Only God knows.
Whatever will be, will be.
We will be together if it is destined to be so.
Let God decide.
Please don't give up hope
For I believe there is still a glimmer of hope.
Don't shoot down any chance
even before you know the ending
Give both of us a chance at least.

Even if the world comes to an end in 2012,
I still believe there is little hope of surviving.
At least, I hope I will be given the chance to be in the ark.
It's just the same theory which I wanna share with you.

I care for you more than you realise.
I have fall for you deeper and deeper everyday.
I wanna say the L word many times,
but I hold back, coz I'm afraid you will be scared off.
(But, I did remember I said it once)

I know you are afraid of being tired
in such a relationship.
You afraid that both of us will suffer.
But actually I'm not afraid.
Coz if I've committed into this relationship
I wouldn't mind making sacrifices.
I even think of going to the same place to further my studies.

Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself.
I don't mean to put pressure on you in any means.
I just hope that you will understand my feelings.
Don't blame yourself,
coz I don't hope to see you suffer.
I won't hate you whatever happen in future
as you have an important place in my heart.
I will never hate you.

For now, I hope each day will be a better day.
It's not going to be an easy one.
But, like what Robert Frost penned,

"And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

*Dedicated to you, my special someone,

whom I feel affection for.

Like the colours of rainbow- SEPARATE BUT NOT APART

Whether you are male or female, old or young, healthy or handicapped, or perhaps in the context of our multiracial society- Malays or non-Malays, all of us are EQUAL.



Straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgenders- we are like 'THE COLOURS OF RAINBOW, SEPARATE BUT NOT APART'.

Let us not discriminate people by sexuality, race, colour or creed. Instead, we shall celebrate and have pride in the diversity of which God had created.

Assumption

Never say I assume!

When you assume, you try to think and accept that something is true but without having any proof of it. You choose to assume because you believe that something will happen. You have high hopes for that something to happen.

It is very stupid and foolish of me to make assumption and to imagine something which is imaginary, unreal, and make-believe. How foolish of me to tell a stranger of my silly imagination? It was just an assumption since the beginning. An assumption which I don't have any proof of it. It was only based on my one-sided judgment. I made my own judgment based on only what I see, what I think, and what I believe, from my narrow point of view. I only see from the vantage point of my own side. Perhaps it was just a misleading, narrow, and one-sided view.

It is often said that politics is too often concerned only with the personal vanities of politicians. I think that applies to love too. It was very conceited of me to make unfounded and baseless assumption. After everything was revealed to the other person, I feel ashamed because it is so vain of me too make such a foolish assumption though I do not realise that you are actually him. I realise that I'm too vain to making such an assumption and later regretted of making the silly assumption.

I learnt my lesson: Never say I assume!

I know you will be reading this and what I have told you is an honest and sincere feeling which comes from the bottom of my heart. That is NOT an assumption. It is a genuine feeling which I do not realise throughout the times. But, at one point of time, I suddenly realise and grasp that actually you are very important to me and have secured a place in my heart.

Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis is a biological process by which an animal physically develops after birth or hatching, involving a conspicuous and relatively abrupt change in the animal's body structure through cell growth and differentiation.



For a human being like me, metamorphosis is a process in which a person changes completely into somebody different. If I were to be compared to a catterpillar, I should be now in the stage of a pupa waiting to evolve into an adult butterfly.



It has been almost half a month that I had not been able to online. Internet service at home was cut off and hence I was totally disconnected from the virtual world and the blogsphere.


I have certainly changed. I have been going out to know more people. From a person who didn't have much liking for alcohol, I started to like the feeling of getting drunk and 'high'. Clubbing has become a weekend activity for me. Change from good to bad? It depends on how you look at the whole scenario. At one hand, I have started to like alcohol which may not be a good thing. But, from another point of view, I begin to expand my network and to get into the circle. Yea.. clubbing brings me to another level. I frequent bar and club so often lately, not just ordinary bar or clubs, but gay ones. Never thought that I would enjoy dancing on the stage so much. And didn't know that I actually could drink.

Jason, an unsuspecting invitation of yours on that very night to Blue, was the starting point. Thanks for introducing me to Emp, Alfred, and Daniel. I appreciate it very much; because of you I get to know all of them who are all great friends. Hope our friendship will grow stronger.

(Hope to come out to some close friends soon. I have begin to have a rush to do so. When the time comes, the pupa will turn into a beautiful butterfly which could proudly spread its wings and fly.)

......

fyi: I'm deeply in love with someone so special to me now. But I have yet to confess to him. Never had such a strong feeling before. Hope if everything goes well I will begin my first serious relationship. =)

My Story

It has been 42 days since I last updated my blog. Quite a number of people asked me why I have not been writing any new post. The lame excuse that I often give them is that I'M BUSY. Ya, it's part of the reason, but more importantly I'm too lazy to update my blog. Having said that, my very reason for creating this blog is to write about the undisclosed and hidden secret of mine, or as what my blog name suggests, the story about my other side, but my mind always come to zilch whenever I wanna write a new post and this happened to me since a few months ago. Perhaps I'm too tired about this whole experience of writing about my sexuality.

Today I went shopping and had dinner alone. Not my first time. Perhaps I have so used to be alone. Both my dad and mom are busy people. I was always left alone since small. Though I have another brother to accompany me for 8 years before the birth of my little brother, we seldom get along. We are like cat and dog, even till now. Mom used to be a career woman who worked from day to night; while dad was always outstation. To be honest, I was never really close to both of them. The situation turned worse when dad was relocated by his company to another place. I only got to see him once a week then. Later, when dad was promoted to the senior management post in the company, we only met twice a month coz dad was flying around the country every week. I was quite an introvert person since small. Or perhaps you may say I am a shy guy. Naturally, I did not have many friends. I used to always kept myself at home while at the same time other kids were playing sports and having fun. Eventually, 'loneliness' has become my 'friend'. I might get whatever things I want (materially) and lived a comfortable life but I lacked what most of the people enjoy, attention and care from my parents. At some point (when I was a kid), I was closer to my babysitter than my dad and mom!

I would like to share with you the 'prequel' to the creation of this blog. This story dates back to barely 10 months ago. I stumbled upon this gay networking site called 'queerclique'. Immediately, I was attracted and registered an account. Here, I met a cute guy, YM. He added me as a friend and later we began to chat through MSN. Neither I nor him put any pictures of our face on our profiles. It was jz friendship at the beginning which later developed into a relationship. He began to miss me when he didn't see me online for a week and he confessed that to me. I felt the same. And that was the very first time a guy said 'I love you' to me. My heart was pounding so fast at that moment. Ya...he's my first love. We stayed far from each other. So, I was not able to meet up with him. The only way for us to communicate and see each other is through webcam. It gave me a kinda "so near yet so far" feeling. Everyday, I looked forward to seeing him through webcam. I never had such a strong feeling before. When I went back to my home town during my school break, I was not able to communicate with him as the internet at my house was cut. I came back to PJ a week later and tried to contact him. But i didn't see him online for the whole week. So I checked him on Facebook. He's still active at Facebook. I called him but to no avail. I sent dozens of email to him but he didn't reply. I waited for weeks on MSN. I know deep down in my heart that he's trying to avoid me even though I kept telling myself he's not. I cried. I was in a really bad mood. But I told myself that it's not worth-it to cry for such useless guy. A guy who used to say "I love you" so many time to me; who made so many empty promises. Fortunately, I was just in the beginning of the relationship and had not gone too far. I tried to forget him and continue with my life as usual.

In early January, I stumbled upon a blog, Alexander The Gay, while I was googling and that's the turning point of my life. I was inspired by Alex (the blogger) and his stories about his ups and downs when coming out to his family. I decided to start a blog as an avenue for me to jot down my feelings and my story as a closeted gay. Here, I begin to make friends with other bloggers and I started to understand more on gay issues. I am really happy to know Jason, Jen and Aaron. You guys are really nice and supportive friends. Hope to hang out with you guys again soon.

This blog certainly changed my life in some ways. It's really inspiring to see other people who had taken their first step in coming out to everyone and how they had gone through the worst of their life to be where they are today. I am also fascinated by countless love stories posted on the blogs and I shared their happiness and sorrows.

Beginning from Queerclique to this blog, I have gone through a tremendous change and process. Even though, it might seem as if it's jz babysteps but to me it's already a big leap forward. I know there are many obstacles waiting for me to overcome before I could proudly say out loud to people "I AM GAY" and live an honourable life as a gay person.

"Man, I resent people telling others how to live! It drives me mental! Just the other night, I heard this TV reverend say that Angie and I were setting a bad example because we were living out of wedlock, and people should not be duped by us! It made me laugh. What damn right does anyone have to tell someone else how to live if they're not hurting anyone? " - BRAD PITT

The Land of Smiles

Sorry for my long absence. Have not been constantly updating my blog as I devote myself to work and commitment.

I'm now in Thailand, also dubbed as "the Land of Smiles", doing a short vocation. Today is my 20th day in this beautiful country renowned for its warm hospitality.

It was really exciting travelling for more than 2500km up north to be part of a volunteer programme. This is also my first time travelling alone to a foreign land without my parents and my longest stay abroad.

Thailand or more specifically Bangkok is truly a shopping paradise. You can basically get anything you can think of at the shopping malls and market here, even to the extent of getting luxurious car like Lamborghini Gallardo (the second floor at Siam Paragon are fulled with luxurious sport cars like Lamborghini, Maserati, Porsche and Audi).

A stunning white Lamborghini Gallardo!

Lamborghini Murcielago which accelerates from 0 to 100km in less than 4 second.

The extravagant scene really blew up my mind. I was stunned by the excessiveness of the gigantic malls such as the Siam Paragon (the equivalent of Pavillion, KL). As an avid shopper, you would never get bored in Bangkok, the list of shopping malls is never-ending- Siam Paragon, Siam Discovery, Siam Centre, Central World, MBK, Gaysorn, Platinum Mall, Pantip Plaza, and so on. I spent more than 5000 Baht in just two days in Bangkok. The range of food available in this big city is broader than in KL. I could testify to that just as I finished eating my MOS Burger.

I bade farewell to Bangkok before I headed further up north. Today, June 24th, is my 17th day living in this peaceful and lovely northern city of Siam. I had a bowl of yummy Kueh Chap and a plate of exotic and spicy Nam Prik for my dinner tonight. And Swensen's Ice Cream was the choice of dessert to end our dinner outing. I was in heaven (virtually) with two scoops of Rocky Road and Chocolate Rain Forest! And guess what? It cost me only 49Baht to be so contented.

Ended my night with the highly-anticipated movie- Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It is definitely a worth watching movie with fantastic visual and sound effect. The battle scenes are truly amazing and breathtaking.

Overall, my stay at Thailand has been an incredible one. I still have one week before I head back to our beloved country and hopefully I would be able to fully utilise my time here and make my excursion here a memorable one.

It's now 1.05am already. I am really tired and shall stop here. Good night!

Mixed Feeling

Have you ever wonder about your sexuality?

Having nothing to do for the holidays leaves me an idle person. I have been thinking much about my sexuality especially after quarrelling with mom.

I remember I first fall in love with a beautiful girl (CJ) in my school when I was in Primary Six. At that time, CJ was in the class next to mine. For the following six years, she was in the same class with me. CJ was the 'school flower' (Chinese saying to describe the most beautiful girl in school). Later, my feeling for her eventually vanishes. I still had some liking for a few girls when I was in Form 1, not until the time in Form 2 when I discovered actually I like guys. It has ever been so since then.

But somehow lately I feel guity for what I am. I doubt my sexuality. I do not know why. Perhaps when you are to free, you tend to think too much. That's the only reason I can come up with.

I still doubt. Even though I have not been asking myself that question since I knew about it when I was 14. That question never crosses my mind, not until last week.

I really feel insecure and worried. What would be my future?

Who knows? I doubt no one would have an answer for that quandary. Only God knows.

...

Going Back Home

I'm now devouring a freshly baked chicken onion roll while sipping a cup of hot latte at Starbucks. Guess what? In one hour more, I will be sitting in a Fokker plane which will fly me back to my hometown up north. Guys, I shall write my next blog when I reach home safely. Ciao!

Finally Back

It has been a long hiatus. I'm back after a long battle in exam. At least now I'm rejuvenated having enjoying myself with trips and outing for a week after my disastrous exam. Basically, now I totally don't have any idea what to write here as you guys know that I have been absent for quite some time. Need to adapt myself to blog writing again. Of course it will take some time. I have a lot to share with all of you. Definitely much to catch up. To be frank, I don't know what to write. I think I am back to a beginner again. Hopefully in the next few days I will be able to blog something.

Till then, wait patiently! Haha.. :)

(Anyway, Happy Mother's Day! I love you, Mommy!)

Temporary Inactive Status

I will be temporary inactive for about one and a half month because I need to spend more time on my studies. Finals is coming soon and I haven't even started preparing yet. I'm really blurred on all subjects this semester and could feel the tension now as I do not hope to fail any subject this semester (had already failed one subject last sem and can't afford to fail anymore). Two more assignments are due this month. Perhaps I have joined too many school activities this year.

Thanks for visiting this blog. I wouldn't have make it so far if it wasn't for the support and kind comments given by my fellow bloggers and blog readers all this while. I appreciate it very much. I would also like to apologise for not able to give full commitment to my blog.

To those who are also going to sit for their finals, let's work hard together. And to those who are not, best of luck in everything you do.

I will be back around early May. I love blogging and I promise I would not let my passion dies.

Stay tuned... ;)

From a Psychologist's Point of View

Met a psychologist recently and the following is the excerpt from the talk:

"...The majority of people are heterosexual. So the heterosexuals think that they are the normal ones. So something that is out of the norm is abnormal. But, whatever it is, like i said, it is people's preference, what they like and what they don't like. I don't think so it's up to us, we cannot be judging other people. Let say your best friend and suddenly you found out that he is a gay, are you going to stop being his best friend simply because he is a gay? Are you going to discriminate him? Are you going to chuck him having been your best friend for how many years and then found out that he is actually a gay? Now, that's discrimination! It's just the same issue like Elizabeth Wong. Who are we to judge? It's people sexual preference. Everyone has their own rights. But, having said that, we must be careful with our sexual expression. Sexuality in our country is still very conservative. It's their right as long as they're not harming an individual or the society. ..."

I had a wonderful time listening to her thoughts. It was indeed an enlightening talk. Whether we are straight, gay, or bisexual, we are equal and do not deserve any kind of discrimination or prejudice. At the end of the day, what matters is that being who you really are. Love, regardless of sexuality, is not a crime.

Perak State Assembly emergency sitting

Pakatan Rakyat state assemblymen attending a state assembly meeting under a tree after they were denied entry to the State Secretariat building on Tuesday morning.

Walao! Like this also can ar?

Perak Pakatan Rakyat assemblymen attended an emergency sitting at a vacant lot under a tree on Tuesday morning, 3rd March.

Chronicle:

(11.20am) Nizar to seek audience with Sultan Azlan Shah to ask for dissolution of Perak state assembly as soon as the documents from Tuesday’s emergency sitting under a tree in a vacant lot is completed.
(11.15am) Nizar says three motions were passed during the Emergency sitting on Tuesday - motion of confidence on himself as the legal Perak MB; agreement to seek Royal consent for dissolution of state assembly; and the adoption of the suspension of MB Zambry Abdul Kadir and his Excos by the Rights and Privileges Committee.
(10:40am) At the High Court, Sivakumar’s lawyers withdraw from the case after Judicial Commissioner Ridwan Ibrahim rules that private lawyers have no locus standi and cannot represent the Speaker.
Ridwan says that under the Government Proceedings Act, the Speaker can only be represented by the state legal advisor, or lawyers appointed by the latter, because he is part of the state government.
Sivakumar’s lead counsel, constitutional expert Tommy Thomas, says they will await further instructions from the Speaker. He said they were refused speaking rights under Ridwan’s ruling.
(10:35am) Nizar proposes that the emergency sitting of the assembly be adjourned. Sivakumar adjourns.
(10:25am) Titi Serong rep Dr Khalil Idham says Nizar is the rightful mentri besar and wants him to continue. Canning assemblyman Wong Kah Woh says that Pakatan has ruled the state well since taking over last March.
Teja rep Chang Lih Kang proposes a motion asking for the dissolution of the state assembly to call for a new election.
Both motions are agreed to by all Pakatan reps.
(10:20am) After “doa selamat” prayers, the meeting commences with the hearing of the first motion from Titi Serong assemblyman Dr Khalil Idham Lim Abdullah.
He says the trust and support have been given to Nizar as mentri besar. Sivakumar asks for the motion to be debated.
(10:15am) Although allowed entry into the state secretariat building, Sivakumar did not go in. Attired in the official garb of the Speaker, he declares a vacant lot about 200m from the building as the venue for the emergency sitting.
(10:05am) Nizar gets into his car. Discussions going on between PAS, PKR and DAP assemblymen and Members of Parliament (MPs) on their next course of action. One MP is in the car with Nizar.
They are expected to head towards the DAP state headquarters where they might hold a press conference.
(10:00am) Pakatan assemblymen and Nizar not allowed into building, but police allow Sivakumar to enter. A policeman says, “YB tidak boleh masuk (Yang Berhormat is not allowed in).”
Pakatan supporters make a protective ring around their assemblymen so that they will not be chased away. Assemblymen start moving away however.
(9:45am) At the High Court, lead counsels for both sides are briefing the judge in chambers. They emerge from chambers at 10:17am to brief their legal teams.
(9:40am) Pakatan Rakyat assemblymen, including former mentri besar Datuk Seri Mohammad Nizar Jamaluddin, arrive at state secretariat building for emergency sitting of Assembly called by Sivakumar to vote on two motions related to the constitutional crisis in Perak.
Barisan Nasional supporters have lined up to prevent them from entering. Some pushing and shoving going on.
(9:00am) Federal Reserve Unit personnel have been deployed in front of state secretariat building, at least seven trucks being used to block main entrance. Police had already set up roadblocks on roads leading to the building earlier this morning.
A small crowd has gathered, comprising party members, lawyers, supporters and many members of the media.
(8:45am) Lawyers from both sides start arriving at Ipoh High Court in preparation for hearing of lawsuit filed by Perak Mentri Besar Datuk Dr Zambry Abdul Kadir against State Assembly Speaker V. Sivakumar.
Dr Zambry is seeking a court declaration that Sivakumar’s suspension of Dr Zambry and his six excos from the state assembly is unconstitutional.

(Source: The Star Online, 3rd Mac 2009, http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2009/3/3/nation/20090303085400&sec=nation)

All this happen because BN is using all dirty tactics to hold on to power. RULE OF LAW? SUPREMACY OF CONSTITUTION? SOVEREIGNTY OF STATE ASSEMBLY? Too sad...they had all vanished into thin air!

Meeting up

Jason had been asking me out for several times but I always turn down his offer. Perhaps I was not ready and was worried too much.

Jen flew to KL on Wednesday and Aaron has just returned from India. Jason had some plans in mind to meet each other. But it never crosses my mind that one day later I will meet all of them together. It's too fast for it to become a reality. Jen messaged me the moment he touched down at KL. I was surprised coz I never give him my number. Anyway, I knew who gave it to him. Haha...

Jason was planning to meet Jen on Friday and he did ask me whether I am free that day. I didn't promise anything. Anyway, Jason didn't tell me much about his plans. I have been chatting with Jen almost everyday on MSN and asked him several times about Jason's plan. But both of us (or perhaps only me) seemed not to have anny clues about the 'meeting-up thingy'.

And finally on Thursday night I only knew that maybe Jason will meet up with Jen on Saturday. I went to KL city on Friday morning to settle some important matters and later in the afternoon I messaged Jen when I reached home. Suddenly I had the strong feeling of wanted to meet up with Jen and Jason. Hence, I texted Jen.

Me: Are u free tonight?
Jen: Yes. Hehe. Me with aaron now. Are you ok with it?

I was surprised. Hrmm...Aaron has reached KL? I didn't know about that but slowly I recalled Jason telling me one month ago about meeting up with Jen and Aaron. I didn't know that actually both Jen and Aaron knew each other. I asked Jen whether we can meet up for supper. Planned everything in that afternoon and informed Jason. I think he's surprised that I initiated the meeting. Haha... I was anxious and sent so many sms to make sure everything is ok.

Confirmed the venue and time, and I was all ready for the meeting. I would fetch Jen and Aaron at the LRT station. I planned for supper at Murni (hottest mamak in PJ) on 11.00pm. Jen and Aaron were staying in KL city and I do not know how to drive there. So, they took LRT and I would fetch them at the LRT station.

I was on my way to the LRT station when Jen texted me that they had reached. I arrived at the LRT station but could not see anyone of them. Messaged Jen but he didn't reply. I was worried. Called Jen and told him I was waiting for them. Finally I saw Jen and Aaron from afar.

Haha... I was so anxious. The idea of meeting them did not even cross my mind until that afternoon. And of course they were surprised that I asked them out for supper as I have been the one who always rejected the idea of meeting up. Anyway, Jen and Aaron were really nice. Aaron was chatty and kept talking till we reached Murni. Jen and Aaron did most of the talking and I was the more quiet one [as expected ;) ]. Jason was having company dinner and arrived late. I finally meet him in person after turning him down for so many times. (Jason...sorry ya...)

We talked about bloggers who we think is hot and good looking, movies, perfume, piercing, etc.
Chatted till around 1.ooam before we left. I was really happy to meet up with them. They're indeed a wonderful bunch of friends.

Haha... It was great knowing all of you. ;) And thanks for accepting me as your friend.

Lonely Valentine

Woke up at 8.00am today as I was awakened by my bro. I walked to the living room and lazed at the sofa and eventually fell back to sleep.

12.00pm: Woke up (for the second time). Chat with a few online buddies before preparing to go out for lunch.

1.45pm: Suddenly I felt so lonely. All of my housemates (incl. my bro) were either dating or went back home. Most of my friends were spending the very romantic Valentine's Day with their beloved. And jz have a serious conflict with two of my closest coursemates few days ago. I was all alone without anyone accompanying me. Went for lunch alone at Station One Cafe in Jaya One. I was green with envy when I saw many couples having their romantic lunch there. I really felt so lonely at that moment. Anyway, had a great lunch of fish and chips, sundae, and white coffee.



3.00pm: Shopped at Digital Mall. Has always wanted to buy a new webcam as the old one is no longer functioning. Bought a webcam and also a cooling pad. Again, I saw couples all over the place. I wondered if why I'm so lonely at this very special day. I have no one at all to go out with. Pathetic and lonely!!

4.00pm: Back at home. Chat with Jen on msn and tried my new webcam. Cammed with him for hours till dinner time.

7.00pm: Logged off at msn. Googling and facebook-ing till 8.00pm. Had a quick bath and off to dinner. Again, I was alone.

8.45pm: Since I was alone, I decided to drive thru KFC. It was a long queue today. I guess most of the people who were queuing up were like me, ALONE. Waited for nearly 20 minutes before my turn.

9.20pm: Reached home and had my KFC dinner alone. No one was at home. So quiet!!

10.10pm: Writing this post.

Feel so lonely especially when today is Valentine's Day. Haiz... another reminder that I'm still single. Going to be 22 soon but have yet to celebrate V Day. Hope and pray that at the same day next year I am no longer alone! The saddest thing is being lonely in such a big world on Valentine's Day.

Quotes: Self reflection

“It's a lot easier being black than gay. At least if you're black you don't have to tell your parents.” Judy Carter quotes (American Actress, Comedian and motivational speaker)


“Every gay and lesbian person who has been lucky enough to survive the turmoil of growing up is a survivor. Survivors always have an obligation to those who will face the same challenges.”
Bob Paris quotes


“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
Steve Jobs quotes (American Entrepreneur Apple co-Founder, b.1955)


“That's my advice to all homosexuals, whether they're in the Boy Scouts, or in the Army or in high school: Shut up, don't tell anybody what you do, your life will be a lot easier.”
Bill O'Reilly quotes (Commentator, columnist, author. Born in Levittown, New York)


“It is deplorable that homosexual persons have been and are the object of violent malice in speech or in action. Such treatment deserves condemnation from the church's pastors wherever it occurs... The intrinsic dignity of each person must always be respected in work, in action and in law.” Joseph Ratzinger quotes


“Although the particular inclination of the homosexual person is not a sin, it is a more or less strong tendency ordered to an intrinsic moral evil, and thus the inclination itself must be seen as an objective disorder.” Joseph Ratzinger quotes

Congratulation!

Aha! Today I went to cut my hair again. It is barely one month yet. I think I have a strange addiction of going to salon. :) I went back to my hairstylist, Tom at Hair Atelier. He's really good at doing my hair. The last cut at Kimarie was horrible and I will never go back there again.

Tom has been promoted to Creative Stylist and now I have to pay RM45 instead of RM33. Congrats ya, Tom!

He did a great job on my hair today and my new hairstyle brightens my day! Haha...
Again, well done! ;)

Revelation

Lately I'm wondering of the question whether it's a sin being gay and whether it's my choice or am I innately gay. A lot of bloggers have discussed on this issue before. Anyway, I'm writing this as i feel the urge to do so. I will not touch much on the issue but more will be focussed on my past, present, and future.


I begin to discover that I actually like guys since I was in my teenage years. I still remember that I used to keep a scrap book where I would paste pictures of half naked guys which I cut from magazines and newspapers. I enjoyed looking at those pictures and getting hard on. While my friends always talk about the hot chicks in school, I never join them. My friends are so crazy about footballs and basketballs while I don't even like watching football matches (except for World Cup... but i like cute footballers). I always mixed well with the gals and are close to them especially when I was in upper secondary.


I like shopping very much and I bet you can hardly find guys who do so. I can happily go shopping with girls and they always ask for my opinion bout their dresses. I can wait for them while they shop and of course they are very willing give comments when I shop for clothes. Unlike my many other male friends, I'm willing to spent lavishly on what I wear and what I eat. I always take good care of my skin. I even spent hundreds of ringgit to seek treatment from dermatologist during my acne outbreak when I was in Form 5 (of course it was my mum who was paying).


I still remember vividly how I enjoy PE (physical education i.e. sport) class as I got to see my handsome classmates changing for sports, that's when my eyes enjoy browsing at my naked male classmates. There was also one time when my close friend play with me and hugged me tightly from behind. I pretended to struggle though I actually like him hugging me. He is very handsome and I like him very much. But too sad he is straight and already had a girlfriend at that time. We seldom meet now as we go to different university now.


Though I am a horny guy at times, I only started watching gay porn when I was 18. Haha...shock ya! I think all these while my behaviour and character do somehow show indication that I am gay. I don't have any problem admitting to myself that I am gay. But I am not ready to come out yet. Still hiding in the closet. I think this is due to the stigma attached to being gay. Prejudice and discrimination against gay are reflected in the stereotypes of members of the gay community. I believe many of you will agree with me that gay still encounter extensive prejudice and discrimination because of their sexual orientation. Verbal harassment being the most common form. I fear of coming out because I afraid my family and friends will reject me for being who I am. I truly know that hiding my real identity would somehow has some psychological effect on myself as I have to suppress myself and try to act straight. But what to do? Anyway, I have been trying to know more about the gay community and get in touch with those who have gone through the process of coming out as I know later in future I will join them and be proud of being who I am. For now, I can only pray for the best!


(Sometimes, I feel suffer when I think of myself as gay. I feel really lonely at times. Seeing that most of my straight friends having romantic relationships reminds me of how lonely I am. I do hope one day in the future the society will change and accept people like us.)

Wasting Time

I still have three days of holiday before going back to school.

Boredom fills my time this few days. I have been lazing away the long CNY break.

What did I do for the past few days? Aha! Reading blogs, chatting thru MSN, googling, eat, and sleep. That's what i did! I believe I have addicted to reading blogs. The first thing I do when i switch on my laptop is to browse through the blogs that i follow. My addiction to blogs really kill off my time. Really have to control myself when school reopens. Can't continue like that.

Nowadays, I don't know what to do during my spare time even though there are tonnes of important things waiting for me to settle. I think I had this syndrome since early January. I know I have lotz of things to do but I just idle my time away. Plsss help me!!

Anyway, I have jz downloaded a movie called <无野之城>. It's a HK Cantonese movie about the life of HK baseball players. Lotz of hot guys and naked scene. I'm sure it would be a hit among the queers. Haha...

Going off to dinner soon. (...idling the day away again...haiz...)

Celebration

Every year is a repetition. So, come CNY and everyone is busy preparing for the big day. It is also a time when everyone returns home to be together with their beloved. Since I was a kid, I always look forward to celebrating CNY (I think everyone also has the same experience). However, as I grow older, that 'feeling' vanishes. Perhaps you don't get so excited as an adult. Every year, all of my extended family members will return to my grandparents' house. CNY is another time for reunion dinners, getting red packets, gambling, eating mandarin oranges, listening to CNY songs, gossiping among relatives, etc. Nowadays, I seldom talk to my cousins. Perhaps of our age gap. Yea..I'm the eldest grandchild and my next cousin is 1 year younger. However, since my teenage years I never talked to him. He's a very peculiar person. He seldom mingle around with other cousins. The third eldest cousin is 2 years younger than me and she's now studying in England. I'm closest to her and this year she didn't come back for CNY. So, a quiet CNY indeed for me. I am always at the corner of the living room either listening to IPOD or reading blogs using my phone GPRS. To me, CNY is just an ocassion to meet some family members who you haven't seen for a year, chit-chat, eat..eat...and eat. I really don't feel the festive mood anymore. And this year the fireworks display has reduce in numbers. (Emm..sign of the looming economic crisis)

Fortunate for me, my realtives haven't come up with the 'Do you have a girlfriend?' question yet. Perhaps I'm only 21 and I believe the question will pop up in a few years time.

After a long 5 days celebration, I finally came back to PJ today. It's very quiet. Not many have return from CNY celebration yet. My wishes for the Year of Ox?? First, I hope I will do well in my studies. Second, hope to find my other half soon (desperate...haiz..). Third, best of health to my family.

I have gained quite some weight, thanks to the delectable dishes and yummy CNY delicacies. Would do some exercise and cut down my meals for the next few days.

新年快乐!

Today I have my last class before going for Chinese New Year holiday. Everyone is in the CNY mood already. I will be having a week long break starting from now till 2nd Feb. Hooray!!

Haven't practiced my writing in Chinese for ages. I would like to take this opportunity to wish Queer Ranter, Sam, Jason, Anton, Silencer, Takashi, Alex, gardenofadam, aaronng, willy, medie007, william, joshua, benny, JD Cole, Ekkonen, savante, KEENYEE, Fable Frog, nase, and other bloggers HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, 新年快乐!
新年恭贺大家：一帆风顺、二龙腾飞、三羊开泰、四季平安、五福临门、六六大顺、七星高照、八方来财、九九同心、十全十美、百事亨通、千事吉祥、万事如意！


I'll not be around throughout nxt week. So i will continue to blog when I get back after nxt week! Happy CNY and enjoy the holidays!

CNY Shopping

Love Chinese New Year...as it's the time again for great shopping. I do admit that I'm a shopaholic. Haha... Basically these are what I have bought this year for the coming CNY:
1. Two tops from SEED.
2. Two tops from Bossini.
3. Three tops from Hang Ten.
4. One shorts from Hang Ten.
5. A pair of jeans from Lee Cooper.
6. Two pairs of jeans from Topman.
7. A bottle of CK One EDT.
8. One pair of Banana Peels slippers.
9. Two pairs of Nike socks.
Burnt a hole in my pocket. Hopefully will get lots of ang pau this coming CNY.
Happy Chinese New Year!

Ambush

It was raining cats and dogs this afternoon. Attended a meeting for almost an hour and it was still raining when the meeting ended. My coursemate, MS, asked whether I would follow her and other girls for dinner. I nodded and we decided to go for dinner at Mid Valley. Met up with the other girls there and only manage to come to an agreement on where to have dinner after a long deliberation. As usual, we gossiped about everything while waiting for our food. Everyone of us were busy talking about the recent campus election where lotz of nasty incidence had happened. (what happened in the campus were not of importance...). The conversation went on and on till we were at the end of dinner. We talked about places of fine dining and suddenly one of them suggested a place and said I shall bring CJ to dine there as it will be very romantic. CJ is one of my closest friend at university and I am always be seen to be together with her. Rumour has it that I like her and that we are a couple. (but who would ever know that I like guys and not gals) Then, MS asked me which type of gals I like and she said I suppose to like gals like CJ. I jz kept quiet, not responding to their questions. All of them ambushed me. MS even ask me when I would get married. I didn't answer. They cleverly make a conclusion that my silence means that I agreed to what they have said and my non-denial implies that I like CJ. How could I explain to them that CJ is only a close friend and I am actually gay? MS ambushed me again and looked at me trying to get an answer from me whether I like CJ. 'You've asked me the wrong question!' I replied MS. Does my answer impliedly told her that I'm gay? I didn't intend to signal her. But it jz happened. She didn't asked anything further. Paid our bills and went window shopping. I had already be ambushed by my other coursemates for several times. They jz can't let me go without me admitting that I like CJ. But the fact is that I'm gay and CJ is only a good friend of mine. Really don't know how to handle all those questions. (by the way, CJ is a beauty who a guy might fall in love at the first sight)

Lonely

First of May (by Bee Gees)

When I was small, and christmas trees were tall,
We used to love while others used to play.
Don't ask me why, but time has passed us by,
someone else moved in from far away.

(chorus)
Now we are tall, and christmas trees are small,
And you don't ask the time of day.
But you and I, our love will never die,
But guess we'll cry come first of may.

The apple tree that grew for you and me,
I watched the apples falling one by one.
And I recall the moment of them all,
The day I kissed your cheek and you were mine.

(chorus...)

When I was small, and christmas trees were tall,
Do do do do do do do do do...
Dont ask me why, but time has passed us by,
some one else moved in from far away.

---------------------------------------------

It is one of my all time favourite song. Whenever I listen to this song, it will stir a mixed emotion within myself. Today, when I listen to this song, suddenly I felt a sense of extreme loneliness. I am lonely. Lonely in this little world of mine. My identity as a gay could only be confined within myself and the world of blogs. No one knows my supposed self. My own true self. Gosh... I really envy other bloggers who has came out to his friends and those who had found their other half. I could really feel their joy when I read through their blog. I feel really lonely. I'm here alone in my little room without the care and love of a boyfriend. Not even a friend who share my thoughts and feel.

I envy the person in the song..."We used to love while others used to play", "The day I kissed your cheek and you were mine."

I could not confess to anyone. I'm alone with myself. I really hate what I'm going through now- loneliness. I want to do what other gays do. I want to be loved- not by gals but guys. I want someone to hug me when I am down. I want someone who feed me and tuck me in my bed when I am sick. I want someone to talk to when I'm bored, who understand how I feel and think. I want someone beside me when I go for movie. Someone who will be my boyfriend.

I know it is still a long long journey to go. Don't know when I'll reach there. But for now, I only need friends who could really share with me my loneliness.

Car accident!

I was ranting about the car in front which wasn't moving even though there was already no car coming from the right at the roundabout. Just when I was about to overtake his car...'bang!...', I was shocked, I turned to my right looking through the window and to my horror...a motorcyclist slammed my side mirror and it went off! The motorcyclist lost his balance but fortunately he didn't fall to the ground. I was totally shocked..didn't dare to step on the accelerate pedal. The drivers were honking incessantly. I regained my composure and moved my car. The motorcyclist was staring at me earlier and he just followed my car. Then I turned into the road and he was still following. I felt uncomfortable about that. He waved his hand and tried to stop my car. I pointed to him that I would stop my car. In a sudden, he overtook my car and so I stop my car by the side of the road.

I got out of my car and looked at him. He was a Malay in his 4o's. "Kau ada lesen kah?"..he shouted at me. I was not happy at what he said. I stared at him and he took out a packet of cigarretes and smoked. Both of us were looking at each other and were silent for 2 minutes..I guess. I broke the silence and asked him how to settle. Earlier, he was limping when he got down from his motorcycle. He told me that his leg was injured and his motorcycle was damaged. (I knew he was lying)
"Motor encik mana ada rosak?! Tengok side mirror kereta saya!"
"Kaki aku cedera!"
"Kalau cedera, kamu pergi check kat Universiti Hospital."
"Itu hospital private, mahal!"
"Outpatient itu tak perlu bayar, percuma!"
"Dulu, kawan aku tinggal kat situ bayar beribu-ribu."
"Kalau kamu cedera, saya bayar bil."
"Aku tak ada masa, masih kena pergi ke Subang."
I knew that he wanted me to pay him, but he met the wrong person. I told him that I'm a student and I don't have any money to pay him. He gave up when I threatened to make a police report. With that, it was settled. I was still fuming. I drove my car to the Perodua Service Centre to have my side mirror repaired. The side mirror was still hanging with a wire still connected to it. The mechanic told me that I have to replace a new one as the damage is beyond repair. It costs three hundred plus to replace a new side mirror. Called dad and told him the whole incident. What to do? Have to replace a new one. And I had to wait for 2 more days for the spare parts to arrive. Till then, I have to rely on my housemate to drive me around. Paid the deposit by credit card and drove back home.

It was two years already since I last met a car accident. Still remember vividly the last accident I met when I was in Form 6. The last time the front of my MYVI was totally kemek; this time with the side mirror going off.

About Myself

I saw quite some number of bloggers doing this. So decided to post it at my blog also.

Name: Julian
Current location: PJ, Selangor.
Eye colour: Dark brown.
Hair colour: Black.
Height: 170cm (..i think i'm still growing..slowly..haha)
Right handed or left handed: Right handed.
Your heritage: Pure Chinese.
The show you wear today: Nike
Your weakness: not good at anger management.
Your fears: being ugly, talking to strangers.
Your perfect pizza: hawaiian chicken.
Goal you would like to achieve this year: Find my true love.
Your most overused phrase on an instant messenger: Haha...
First thought when wake up: washing face and breakfast.
Your best physical feature: baby face...boyish look...
Your bedtime: Around 2 am.
Your most missed memory: my secondary school time..(ahh..the good old times)
Pepsi or Coke: both.
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's
Single or group dates: both.
Lipton ice tea or Nestea: Haven't tasted Lipton ice tea..
Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate..but i started liking vanilla recently..
Cappucino or coffee: cappucino.
Do you smoke?: No! I hate smokers!
Do you swear?: Sometimes when I'm driving..
Do you sing?: rarely..i don't sing well..
Do you shower daily?: of course! at least twice a day..
Have you been in love: yes..but lost contact with him already..(sob)
Do you want to go to college?: i'm in university now..
Do you want to get married?: yup..
Do you believe in yourself: yes..always!
Do you think you're attractive: actually i do..
Are you a health freak: not really..
do you get along with your parents: sometimes..
do you like thunderstorm: not at all..
do you play an instrument: no..
do you play martial art: yup..taekwondo..
ever been drunk: nope..i don't drink..
ever been called a tease: ..haha..
ever been beaten up: by my mum..when i was small..
ever shoplifted: once..when i was small..but didn't get caught (haha)
how do you want to die: i don't want to die!
what do you want to be when you grow up: a happy guy who has found his true love..
what country would you most like to visit: Italy

Hope you guys will know me better. Don't be shy if you wanna know more bout me! ;)

Cheers! ;)
Julian

Haircut

Can't wait till next week to trim my hair- it's long and difficult to style. So when I woke up this morning, I decided to have a haircut. I usually have my haircut at Hair Atelier or Jantzen Salon, but, today on the recommendation of someone, I went to Kimarie Salon. It's only RM25.00 for senior stylist cut (including hairwash). Quite cheap as compared with Hair Atelier which is RM28.oo for junior stylist cut and Jantzen which is RM40.00 per cut. Waited for 30minutes before it was my turn. While waiting, I noticed a cute guy. Haha... He's washing hair for a customer. I looked at him for quite some while- I think I like him. I was thinking whether he will wash my hair and I wish hard deep down in my heart that later he will wash my hair. After he finished washing the hair of a customer, he walked pass me and my heart was pounding so fast. I managed to get a near glimpse on him. Later the receptionist called my name and guess what, he appeared in front of me and lead me to my place. I do not dare to look at him-jz ocassionally caught a glimpse of him washing my hair. He is really cute and he did an awesome massage. Got a slight erection when he massaged my head. ^.^ He finished washing my hair and I enjoyed every moment of it till I forgot to ask for his name. He left and the hairstylist came. To my surprise, the hairstylist did a quick job and it's not a very nice cut. Haiz... Paid RM 25.00 and left. I still miss that cute guy. I wonder whether I should go to Kimarie again: for the cute guy, or for a not-so-nice haircut? Haha...

The Right Path?

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost (1875-1963)


Every choice taken will be followed by a risk: futile or fruitful.
Has anyone ever wondered if you choose to be homosexual (or some may argue that he is born homosexual) what will happen to you when you are old? [I meant no offence]
You may enjoy the freedom of being who you are but would your partner spend the rest of his life with you. By choosing to be gay, you will not have any children as:
1. Man + Woman = Children
2. Man + Man = 0
3. Woman + Woman = 0
These are the simple formulae created by God. A gay will be lonely when he is old. This is the consequence of the path chosen by a gay. Is that fair? Personally, I have no comment, nothing to say about that. In order to obtain one thing, you have to sacrifice another thing.

I am really worried about my future if I choose the path 'less traveled by' for it would make 'all the difference'. Would I stake my life on it? Honestly, I don't have an answer for myself!

Food and Shopping

Today, woke up around 10 o clock. Only had instant noodle and coffee for breakfast. Too bad. I have always dislike eating instant noodle as the flavour and smell is too artificial. My mood today is quite good and have the thought of doing some shopping today. Shopping is one of my favourite thing to do. But since moving out of campus, my wallet is quite tight as I have to fork out additional money for expenses like internet bill, water bill, electricity bill etc. So shopping wasn't in my priority list for the past half year.

After breakfast, chatted with an online friend and read some blogs and time jz flew by till it's already over 3 something. I was so hungry. Had a quick shower, styled my hair and quickly I headed to Mid Valley-my favourite shopping mall, driving at a speed of around 100km/h along the Federal Highway. It was a great headache thinking of where to have my lunch- and it's already 3.45pm. Suddenly, Pasta Zanmai came into my thought. It was opened two months ago in Mid Valley and I haven't dined there before though my good friend has been always asking me to have dinner there since its opening. So I decided to have my lunch there. Pasta Zanmai offers a variety of pasta and pizza which is of the combination of Japanese and Italian flavour. Quite unique. I have always like Japanese and Italian food and it is jz too nice for me to have lunch at Pasta Zanmai.

I ordered a plate of Prawn Tempura Pasta with Sesame Sauce (what lovely combination!) and a cup of green tea latte (another 'one of its kind' recipe). Both the food and service were excellent.

After savouring my feast, I went to withdraw some money from the ATM to shop for clothes for CNY. First stop: ESPRIT. Not many discount and promotion going on. Saw a few smart and chic clothes but too expensive. Went out empty handed. Second stop: TOPMAN. First thing that I noticed was the jeans and there is promotion for jeans- only RM163.00 per pair. Irresistible. Ended up buying two pairs. Third stop: QUICKSILVER. The surfing shorts are jz too expensive. Last stop: SASA. Still left around RM80 in pocket. So went to withdraw money again. This time my aim was PERFUME. I always have been wanted to buy a bottle of perfume since I entered university. Finally I accomplished my goal today. My very first bottle of perfume: CK One, eau de toilette. Haha... Thought of going to trim my hair. But have already spent a around RM600 today. So I will only cut my hair when it's near CNY.

I truly enjoy myself today! A truly self-rewarding experience. Haven't felt so self-satisfied for quite some time. I think it's gonna be a long long time before I get to enjoy such a day again.

First time 'blogging'.

Finally, i have my own blog. What makes me start my own blog? I have always enjoyed reading other people's blogs and the intention of starting my own blog is always there but just that I was too busy with my studies for the past one and a half years. Yesterday, when i was 'googling', i stumbled upon Alexander The Gay. It was a very well written blog and I truly enjoyed reading all the postings there. I could relate what he said to my real life. I must admit I am not as brave as him (Alex) in revealing my own true self. I mean my sexuality. Being grown up in a society which upholds the Eastern values and frowns upon the people who deviated from those values, I can only keep it with myself. I can't even tell that to my best friend, my bro or even a stranger as I can't afford to bear the consequences of revealing my true self. I hope through this blog, I would be able to tell other people about my feelings and to know other people who is in the same fate as me.

It's nice to start the ball rolling and I would try my very best to update my blog frequently.