Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Mixed Feeling

Have you ever wonder about your sexuality?

Having nothing to do for the holidays leaves me an idle person. I have been thinking much about my sexuality especially after quarrelling with mom.

I remember I first fall in love with a beautiful girl (CJ) in my school when I was in Primary Six. At that time, CJ was in the class next to mine. For the following six years, she was in the same class with me. CJ was the 'school flower' (Chinese saying to describe the most beautiful girl in school). Later, my feeling for her eventually vanishes. I still had some liking for a few girls when I was in Form 1, not until the time in Form 2 when I discovered actually I like guys. It has ever been so since then.

But somehow lately I feel guity for what I am. I doubt my sexuality. I do not know why. Perhaps when you are to free, you tend to think too much. That's the only reason I can come up with.

I still doubt. Even though I have not been asking myself that question since I knew about it when I was 14. That question never crosses my mind, not until last week.

I really feel insecure and worried. What would be my future?

Who knows? I doubt no one would have an answer for that quandary. Only God knows.



  1. Please don't put pressure on yourself and give time to discover who you really are. Life has too much to offer for you to be drowning in worries. Talking to trusted mature friends (if you hv any) really helps, since some of them may have gone thru' the same.

    All the best. ^_^

  2. a lot of childhood transition into adolescence r confused of their sexual orientation esp guys. ur in this phase. u maybe bi. ur heart will tell. just listen carefully.

  3. Just do what you feel is right. Don't care what others say. After all, only you yourself know the best. A am experiencing the same feeling like,for years. A mixed and lost feeling, undecided. Finally, i had enough of it. I just do what i think is right. I can't stand being a pleaser anymore. You too, be yourself. The future still a mystery. Just focus on present.

  4. Yes, it's quite scary as our future is blurry due to the privileges heterosexuals are entitled to. It gets worse when we know that there are laws that discriminate against homosexuals and that gay rights are not protected or enforced.

    But love is never wrong and prejudice is not a family value. Take your time to think what your heart really wants. It whispers, so listen closely.

  5. Taaaaake your time. Really. Taaaaaake your time. It's going to be awhile before you're ready to marry anyway - concentrate on your studies while working through your thoughts slowly.

    It's perfectly possible to love, but not be sexually attracted to someone. But neither side will enjoy sex much cos of that. >.<

  6. no one knows for sure what the future has in store for him/her.

    i often find myself in the same position as you are now, doubting my own sexuality. but after some self-exploring, i find myself more comfortable being a bisexual.

    it takes time to explore one's sexuality, so dont rush.

  7. Well Julian,you're not the only one having this feeling,I guess many of us would have to go through the same process of self discovering or dicernment.It's just part and parcel of our life whether straight or gay.Some man and woman do have homosexual relationship even after marriage.So you see,sexuality is a very subjective matter.No need to worry too much about it Julian.Like in my case of being the only son in the family,I am starting to feel the pressure and roughly can foresee the roller coaster ride that I will face in the future.I used to wonder and still wondering whether I should fall in love with guys or girls but at the end of the day I just feel that my worries are not bringing me anywhere.So,I would rather concentrate in building my own life first like my study,have a good career,get to know more friends and let fate decides.Take care and have a nice day.