Lately I'm wondering of the question whether it's a sin being gay and whether it's my choice or am I innately gay. A lot of bloggers have discussed on this issue before. Anyway, I'm writing this as i feel the urge to do so. I will not touch much on the issue but more will be focussed on my past, present, and future.
I begin to discover that I actually like guys since I was in my teenage years. I still remember that I used to keep a scrap book where I would paste pictures of half naked guys which I cut from magazines and newspapers. I enjoyed looking at those pictures and getting hard on. While my friends always talk about the hot chicks in school, I never join them. My friends are so crazy about footballs and basketballs while I don't even like watching football matches (except for World Cup... but i like cute footballers). I always mixed well with the gals and are close to them especially when I was in upper secondary.
I like shopping very much and I bet you can hardly find guys who do so. I can happily go shopping with girls and they always ask for my opinion bout their dresses. I can wait for them while they shop and of course they are very willing give comments when I shop for clothes. Unlike my many other male friends, I'm willing to spent lavishly on what I wear and what I eat. I always take good care of my skin. I even spent hundreds of ringgit to seek treatment from dermatologist during my acne outbreak when I was in Form 5 (of course it was my mum who was paying).
I still remember vividly how I enjoy PE (physical education i.e. sport) class as I got to see my handsome classmates changing for sports, that's when my eyes enjoy browsing at my naked male classmates. There was also one time when my close friend play with me and hugged me tightly from behind. I pretended to struggle though I actually like him hugging me. He is very handsome and I like him very much. But too sad he is straight and already had a girlfriend at that time. We seldom meet now as we go to different university now.
Though I am a horny guy at times, I only started watching gay porn when I was 18. Haha...shock ya! I think all these while my behaviour and character do somehow show indication that I am gay. I don't have any problem admitting to myself that I am gay. But I am not ready to come out yet. Still hiding in the closet. I think this is due to the stigma attached to being gay. Prejudice and discrimination against gay are reflected in the stereotypes of members of the gay community. I believe many of you will agree with me that gay still encounter extensive prejudice and discrimination because of their sexual orientation. Verbal harassment being the most common form. I fear of coming out because I afraid my family and friends will reject me for being who I am. I truly know that hiding my real identity would somehow has some psychological effect on myself as I have to suppress myself and try to act straight. But what to do? Anyway, I have been trying to know more about the gay community and get in touch with those who have gone through the process of coming out as I know later in future I will join them and be proud of being who I am. For now, I can only pray for the best!
(Sometimes, I feel suffer when I think of myself as gay. I feel really lonely at times. Seeing that most of my straight friends having romantic relationships reminds me of how lonely I am. I do hope one day in the future the society will change and accept people like us.)