Saturday, January 17, 2009


First of May (by Bee Gees)

When I was small, and christmas trees were tall,
We used to love while others used to play.
Don't ask me why, but time has passed us by,
someone else moved in from far away.

Now we are tall, and christmas trees are small,
And you don't ask the time of day.
But you and I, our love will never die,
But guess we'll cry come first of may.

The apple tree that grew for you and me,
I watched the apples falling one by one.
And I recall the moment of them all,
The day I kissed your cheek and you were mine.


When I was small, and christmas trees were tall,
Do do do do do do do do do...
Dont ask me why, but time has passed us by,
some one else moved in from far away.


It is one of my all time favourite song. Whenever I listen to this song, it will stir a mixed emotion within myself. Today, when I listen to this song, suddenly I felt a sense of extreme loneliness. I am lonely. Lonely in this little world of mine. My identity as a gay could only be confined within myself and the world of blogs. No one knows my supposed self. My own true self. Gosh... I really envy other bloggers who has came out to his friends and those who had found their other half. I could really feel their joy when I read through their blog. I feel really lonely. I'm here alone in my little room without the care and love of a boyfriend. Not even a friend who share my thoughts and feel.

I envy the person in the song..."We used to love while others used to play", "The day I kissed your cheek and you were mine."

I could not confess to anyone. I'm alone with myself. I really hate what I'm going through now- loneliness. I want to do what other gays do. I want to be loved- not by gals but guys. I want someone to hug me when I am down. I want someone who feed me and tuck me in my bed when I am sick. I want someone to talk to when I'm bored, who understand how I feel and think. I want someone beside me when I go for movie. Someone who will be my boyfriend.

I know it is still a long long journey to go. Don't know when I'll reach there. But for now, I only need friends who could really share with me my loneliness.


  1. hi julian,
    i am benny. just like you i never came out to my friends except my best friend, who i see only few times a year as i am studying away from home now. I always wanted a really nice guy to be my "other half" as you said. Lol..
    seems hard to find one eh..
    but let us together "keep holding on" okay?


  2. Hold on. You never know if there's someone out there looking for the same thing you are. :)

    On the Bee Gees: I'm stuck with How Deep Is Your Love. Really can't get it out of my head - but then again, I suppose it's because I really love the soft mellow mood it casts. :)

  3. You Julian! you made me almost cried. I sang along with the song..:). And you did remind me that i am alone. Hey, rmb..we are the newbies. I want some1 to talk too. Send me your add,(can't find it in your profile).

  4. frankly, once u decided to meet up with other members of the rainbow community, only then, at least u will not feel alone =)

  5. poor julian... you'll find someone to "feed" you soon ^_^

  6. Well you do know you're not alone. Perhaps it's time to take small steps to meet the rest of the world.

  7. hi julian. that is a really nice song. it does stir emotions in me. take ur time and dont let ur life pass u by. we all need to start somewhere... sometimes i dont appreciate enough. so dont do wat i did.. ie take things for granted.

    u poor thing.

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  9. Thx for all your kind comments... Benny, Sam, Jason, JD Cole, Willy, Savante & Ekkonen. Really appreciate all the words of comfort and advice. I feel better now though deep down in my heart I really wanna come out to everyone. But for now I think I'm not ready yet. The right time shall come one day.

  10. Take the 1st step ahead, and others might take thousand steps to get closer to you. If yourself don't even step out, how are you expecting others to care about you? Or even knowing you are exist? Just my point of view. Good luck!!!

  11. OH! the cover of the bee gee single attracted me here~ i totally love that song and it's appropriately used in one of leon lai[?] movie~ anyway~ you're just 21... most of us feels the same like you did at that age... now you are seeing grey but you still hv a long way to discover more colours on the rainbow road~ coming out is not important, most important is to be our own self~ cheers ;)

  12. KEENYEE: thx 4 ur advice! but taking the 1st step needs a lot of courage and determination. for now, i think i'm not ready yet. hopefully, i would one day!

    Fable Frog: Your comment is ironic to that of KEENYEE. Perhaps, i shall be my own self for now. Hope i will discover the rainbow one day!