Saturday, August 8, 2009

My Story

It has been 42 days since I last updated my blog. Quite a number of people asked me why I have not been writing any new post. The lame excuse that I often give them is that I'M BUSY. Ya, it's part of the reason, but more importantly I'm too lazy to update my blog. Having said that, my very reason for creating this blog is to write about the undisclosed and hidden secret of mine, or as what my blog name suggests, the story about my other side, but my mind always come to zilch whenever I wanna write a new post and this happened to me since a few months ago. Perhaps I'm too tired about this whole experience of writing about my sexuality.

Today I went shopping and had dinner alone. Not my first time. Perhaps I have so used to be alone. Both my dad and mom are busy people. I was always left alone since small. Though I have another brother to accompany me for 8 years before the birth of my little brother, we seldom get along. We are like cat and dog, even till now. Mom used to be a career woman who worked from day to night; while dad was always outstation. To be honest, I was never really close to both of them. The situation turned worse when dad was relocated by his company to another place. I only got to see him once a week then. Later, when dad was promoted to the senior management post in the company, we only met twice a month coz dad was flying around the country every week. I was quite an introvert person since small. Or perhaps you may say I am a shy guy. Naturally, I did not have many friends. I used to always kept myself at home while at the same time other kids were playing sports and having fun. Eventually, 'loneliness' has become my 'friend'. I might get whatever things I want (materially) and lived a comfortable life but I lacked what most of the people enjoy, attention and care from my parents. At some point (when I was a kid), I was closer to my babysitter than my dad and mom!

I would like to share with you the 'prequel' to the creation of this blog. This story dates back to barely 10 months ago. I stumbled upon this gay networking site called 'queerclique'. Immediately, I was attracted and registered an account. Here, I met a cute guy, YM. He added me as a friend and later we began to chat through MSN. Neither I nor him put any pictures of our face on our profiles. It was jz friendship at the beginning which later developed into a relationship. He began to miss me when he didn't see me online for a week and he confessed that to me. I felt the same. And that was the very first time a guy said 'I love you' to me. My heart was pounding so fast at that moment. Ya...he's my first love. We stayed far from each other. So, I was not able to meet up with him. The only way for us to communicate and see each other is through webcam. It gave me a kinda "so near yet so far" feeling. Everyday, I looked forward to seeing him through webcam. I never had such a strong feeling before. When I went back to my home town during my school break, I was not able to communicate with him as the internet at my house was cut. I came back to PJ a week later and tried to contact him. But i didn't see him online for the whole week. So I checked him on Facebook. He's still active at Facebook. I called him but to no avail. I sent dozens of email to him but he didn't reply. I waited for weeks on MSN. I know deep down in my heart that he's trying to avoid me even though I kept telling myself he's not. I cried. I was in a really bad mood. But I told myself that it's not worth-it to cry for such useless guy. A guy who used to say "I love you" so many time to me; who made so many empty promises. Fortunately, I was just in the beginning of the relationship and had not gone too far. I tried to forget him and continue with my life as usual.

In early January, I stumbled upon a blog, Alexander The Gay, while I was googling and that's the turning point of my life. I was inspired by Alex (the blogger) and his stories about his ups and downs when coming out to his family. I decided to start a blog as an avenue for me to jot down my feelings and my story as a closeted gay. Here, I begin to make friends with other bloggers and I started to understand more on gay issues. I am really happy to know Jason, Jen and Aaron. You guys are really nice and supportive friends. Hope to hang out with you guys again soon.

This blog certainly changed my life in some ways. It's really inspiring to see other people who had taken their first step in coming out to everyone and how they had gone through the worst of their life to be where they are today. I am also fascinated by countless love stories posted on the blogs and I shared their happiness and sorrows.

Beginning from Queerclique to this blog, I have gone through a tremendous change and process. Even though, it might seem as if it's jz babysteps but to me it's already a big leap forward. I know there are many obstacles waiting for me to overcome before I could proudly say out loud to people "I AM GAY" and live an honourable life as a gay person.

"Man, I resent people telling others how to live! It drives me mental! Just the other night, I heard this TV reverend say that Angie and I were setting a bad example because we were living out of wedlock, and people should not be duped by us! It made me laugh. What damn right does anyone have to tell someone else how to live if they're not hurting anyone? " - BRAD PITT