Struggles

I struggle to be who I am.

It's really difficult to be my own true self.

Tough times ahead.

The Road Not Taken

I don't write as well as other bloggers do.
I don't update my blog as frequent as you do.
I don't decorate my blog as beautiful as others do.
To say that I'm busy
and don't have time is just an excuse.

I seldom dwell on my personal feelings,
at least not as explicit as other bloggers do.
I'm a person who doesn't reveal much.
Even my friends don't know much about my private life.
I don't just go around
and tell people what I did on last Saturday night
or who I went out with on Sun afternoon.

Loneliness has become my loyal companion since small.
Dad and Mom were busy with their careers.
And they don't actually know what's my feeling being left alone.
Perhaps they don't even notice it.
I'm always keep my feelings within myself.
I have been neglected by my parents and
I actually hate being in a home
where dad and mom aren't always around.
What I desire most is not material needs
but love and attention from my beloved ones.

A lot of people are surprised
when I said I haven't had a relationship before.
As shocking as it could be, this is a fact.
I never come out to anyone, not even my best friend.
How could people expect me to have a boyfriend then?
I know, people have a lot to say.

I thought I have finally found my perfect guy.
A person who I could rely on.
Who I could share my happiness and sorrow.
Who I will shower with love and affection.
Yes, I did find one finally.

I know I'm not as perfect as the ex is.
I hope you don't compare.
Of course, you like me
because you are attracted by some part of me.
I know sometimes I sound demanding,
but actually,
I couldn't demand much coz it's a two parties thingy.
After all, we haven't even started officially yet.
The feelings are mutual, isn't it?
I hope both of us could give each other a chance,
at least, before you say it wouldn't work.

I know you share a happy and wonderful memory with him.
And so do I hope we could write ours as well.
I know I might sound selfish,
but sincerely I just hope that I'm given at least a chance.
Even a day will be sufficient.

Sometimes, it really hurts
when you listen to something which you do not like,
or which you do not expect to happen.
But, reality is cruel at times.
Days aren't always sunny.

I hope I'm not just a guy to fill that lonely gap.
A lacuna as it is called in law.
You're the right guy,
(my perfect guy)
but somehow the timing isn't perfect,
at least that is what you think
(Am I correct?)
When I read Ken's blog just now,
somehow I could relate to what he said,
though I haven't being in a relationship before.

Ken wrote:
"What can I do when all the signs are telling me that you no longer want me?
I'm not slow, I'm in denial."
The context might be different.
But does it reflect the situation in which we're stuck now?
I hope it doesn't. I really hope so.

Faith
I sincerely hope you have faith in both of us.
I have strong faith
not only in myself, but also you.

Future,
it is something which will happen in the days ahead.
We wouldn't know what will happen.
Perhaps as predicted by the Mayan Civilisation
the world will come to an end in 2012.

Who knows?
We don't know what will happen in futute.
Only God knows.
Whatever will be, will be.
We will be together if it is destined to be so.
Let God decide.
Please don't give up hope
For I believe there is still a glimmer of hope.
Don't shoot down any chance
even before you know the ending
Give both of us a chance at least.

Even if the world comes to an end in 2012,
I still believe there is little hope of surviving.
At least, I hope I will be given the chance to be in the ark.
It's just the same theory which I wanna share with you.

I care for you more than you realise.
I have fall for you deeper and deeper everyday.
I wanna say the L word many times,
but I hold back, coz I'm afraid you will be scared off.
(But, I did remember I said it once)

I know you are afraid of being tired
in such a relationship.
You afraid that both of us will suffer.
But actually I'm not afraid.
Coz if I've committed into this relationship
I wouldn't mind making sacrifices.
I even think of going to the same place to further my studies.

Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself.
I don't mean to put pressure on you in any means.
I just hope that you will understand my feelings.
Don't blame yourself,
coz I don't hope to see you suffer.
I won't hate you whatever happen in future
as you have an important place in my heart.
I will never hate you.

For now, I hope each day will be a better day.
It's not going to be an easy one.
But, like what Robert Frost penned,

"And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

*Dedicated to you, my special someone,

whom I feel affection for.

Like the colours of rainbow- SEPARATE BUT NOT APART

Whether you are male or female, old or young, healthy or handicapped, or perhaps in the context of our multiracial society- Malays or non-Malays, all of us are EQUAL.



Straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgenders- we are like 'THE COLOURS OF RAINBOW, SEPARATE BUT NOT APART'.

Let us not discriminate people by sexuality, race, colour or creed. Instead, we shall celebrate and have pride in the diversity of which God had created.

Assumption

Never say I assume!

When you assume, you try to think and accept that something is true but without having any proof of it. You choose to assume because you believe that something will happen. You have high hopes for that something to happen.

It is very stupid and foolish of me to make assumption and to imagine something which is imaginary, unreal, and make-believe. How foolish of me to tell a stranger of my silly imagination? It was just an assumption since the beginning. An assumption which I don't have any proof of it. It was only based on my one-sided judgment. I made my own judgment based on only what I see, what I think, and what I believe, from my narrow point of view. I only see from the vantage point of my own side. Perhaps it was just a misleading, narrow, and one-sided view.

It is often said that politics is too often concerned only with the personal vanities of politicians. I think that applies to love too. It was very conceited of me to make unfounded and baseless assumption. After everything was revealed to the other person, I feel ashamed because it is so vain of me too make such a foolish assumption though I do not realise that you are actually him. I realise that I'm too vain to making such an assumption and later regretted of making the silly assumption.

I learnt my lesson: Never say I assume!

I know you will be reading this and what I have told you is an honest and sincere feeling which comes from the bottom of my heart. That is NOT an assumption. It is a genuine feeling which I do not realise throughout the times. But, at one point of time, I suddenly realise and grasp that actually you are very important to me and have secured a place in my heart.

Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis is a biological process by which an animal physically develops after birth or hatching, involving a conspicuous and relatively abrupt change in the animal's body structure through cell growth and differentiation.



For a human being like me, metamorphosis is a process in which a person changes completely into somebody different. If I were to be compared to a catterpillar, I should be now in the stage of a pupa waiting to evolve into an adult butterfly.



It has been almost half a month that I had not been able to online. Internet service at home was cut off and hence I was totally disconnected from the virtual world and the blogsphere.


I have certainly changed. I have been going out to know more people. From a person who didn't have much liking for alcohol, I started to like the feeling of getting drunk and 'high'. Clubbing has become a weekend activity for me. Change from good to bad? It depends on how you look at the whole scenario. At one hand, I have started to like alcohol which may not be a good thing. But, from another point of view, I begin to expand my network and to get into the circle. Yea.. clubbing brings me to another level. I frequent bar and club so often lately, not just ordinary bar or clubs, but gay ones. Never thought that I would enjoy dancing on the stage so much. And didn't know that I actually could drink.

Jason, an unsuspecting invitation of yours on that very night to Blue, was the starting point. Thanks for introducing me to Emp, Alfred, and Daniel. I appreciate it very much; because of you I get to know all of them who are all great friends. Hope our friendship will grow stronger.

(Hope to come out to some close friends soon. I have begin to have a rush to do so. When the time comes, the pupa will turn into a beautiful butterfly which could proudly spread its wings and fly.)

......

fyi: I'm deeply in love with someone so special to me now. But I have yet to confess to him. Never had such a strong feeling before. Hope if everything goes well I will begin my first serious relationship. =)

My Story

It has been 42 days since I last updated my blog. Quite a number of people asked me why I have not been writing any new post. The lame excuse that I often give them is that I'M BUSY. Ya, it's part of the reason, but more importantly I'm too lazy to update my blog. Having said that, my very reason for creating this blog is to write about the undisclosed and hidden secret of mine, or as what my blog name suggests, the story about my other side, but my mind always come to zilch whenever I wanna write a new post and this happened to me since a few months ago. Perhaps I'm too tired about this whole experience of writing about my sexuality.

Today I went shopping and had dinner alone. Not my first time. Perhaps I have so used to be alone. Both my dad and mom are busy people. I was always left alone since small. Though I have another brother to accompany me for 8 years before the birth of my little brother, we seldom get along. We are like cat and dog, even till now. Mom used to be a career woman who worked from day to night; while dad was always outstation. To be honest, I was never really close to both of them. The situation turned worse when dad was relocated by his company to another place. I only got to see him once a week then. Later, when dad was promoted to the senior management post in the company, we only met twice a month coz dad was flying around the country every week. I was quite an introvert person since small. Or perhaps you may say I am a shy guy. Naturally, I did not have many friends. I used to always kept myself at home while at the same time other kids were playing sports and having fun. Eventually, 'loneliness' has become my 'friend'. I might get whatever things I want (materially) and lived a comfortable life but I lacked what most of the people enjoy, attention and care from my parents. At some point (when I was a kid), I was closer to my babysitter than my dad and mom!

I would like to share with you the 'prequel' to the creation of this blog. This story dates back to barely 10 months ago. I stumbled upon this gay networking site called 'queerclique'. Immediately, I was attracted and registered an account. Here, I met a cute guy, YM. He added me as a friend and later we began to chat through MSN. Neither I nor him put any pictures of our face on our profiles. It was jz friendship at the beginning which later developed into a relationship. He began to miss me when he didn't see me online for a week and he confessed that to me. I felt the same. And that was the very first time a guy said 'I love you' to me. My heart was pounding so fast at that moment. Ya...he's my first love. We stayed far from each other. So, I was not able to meet up with him. The only way for us to communicate and see each other is through webcam. It gave me a kinda "so near yet so far" feeling. Everyday, I looked forward to seeing him through webcam. I never had such a strong feeling before. When I went back to my home town during my school break, I was not able to communicate with him as the internet at my house was cut. I came back to PJ a week later and tried to contact him. But i didn't see him online for the whole week. So I checked him on Facebook. He's still active at Facebook. I called him but to no avail. I sent dozens of email to him but he didn't reply. I waited for weeks on MSN. I know deep down in my heart that he's trying to avoid me even though I kept telling myself he's not. I cried. I was in a really bad mood. But I told myself that it's not worth-it to cry for such useless guy. A guy who used to say "I love you" so many time to me; who made so many empty promises. Fortunately, I was just in the beginning of the relationship and had not gone too far. I tried to forget him and continue with my life as usual.

In early January, I stumbled upon a blog, Alexander The Gay, while I was googling and that's the turning point of my life. I was inspired by Alex (the blogger) and his stories about his ups and downs when coming out to his family. I decided to start a blog as an avenue for me to jot down my feelings and my story as a closeted gay. Here, I begin to make friends with other bloggers and I started to understand more on gay issues. I am really happy to know Jason, Jen and Aaron. You guys are really nice and supportive friends. Hope to hang out with you guys again soon.

This blog certainly changed my life in some ways. It's really inspiring to see other people who had taken their first step in coming out to everyone and how they had gone through the worst of their life to be where they are today. I am also fascinated by countless love stories posted on the blogs and I shared their happiness and sorrows.

Beginning from Queerclique to this blog, I have gone through a tremendous change and process. Even though, it might seem as if it's jz babysteps but to me it's already a big leap forward. I know there are many obstacles waiting for me to overcome before I could proudly say out loud to people "I AM GAY" and live an honourable life as a gay person.

"Man, I resent people telling others how to live! It drives me mental! Just the other night, I heard this TV reverend say that Angie and I were setting a bad example because we were living out of wedlock, and people should not be duped by us! It made me laugh. What damn right does anyone have to tell someone else how to live if they're not hurting anyone? " - BRAD PITT

The Land of Smiles

Sorry for my long absence. Have not been constantly updating my blog as I devote myself to work and commitment.

I'm now in Thailand, also dubbed as "the Land of Smiles", doing a short vocation. Today is my 20th day in this beautiful country renowned for its warm hospitality.

It was really exciting travelling for more than 2500km up north to be part of a volunteer programme. This is also my first time travelling alone to a foreign land without my parents and my longest stay abroad.

Thailand or more specifically Bangkok is truly a shopping paradise. You can basically get anything you can think of at the shopping malls and market here, even to the extent of getting luxurious car like Lamborghini Gallardo (the second floor at Siam Paragon are fulled with luxurious sport cars like Lamborghini, Maserati, Porsche and Audi).

A stunning white Lamborghini Gallardo!

Lamborghini Murcielago which accelerates from 0 to 100km in less than 4 second.

The extravagant scene really blew up my mind. I was stunned by the excessiveness of the gigantic malls such as the Siam Paragon (the equivalent of Pavillion, KL). As an avid shopper, you would never get bored in Bangkok, the list of shopping malls is never-ending- Siam Paragon, Siam Discovery, Siam Centre, Central World, MBK, Gaysorn, Platinum Mall, Pantip Plaza, and so on. I spent more than 5000 Baht in just two days in Bangkok. The range of food available in this big city is broader than in KL. I could testify to that just as I finished eating my MOS Burger.

I bade farewell to Bangkok before I headed further up north. Today, June 24th, is my 17th day living in this peaceful and lovely northern city of Siam. I had a bowl of yummy Kueh Chap and a plate of exotic and spicy Nam Prik for my dinner tonight. And Swensen's Ice Cream was the choice of dessert to end our dinner outing. I was in heaven (virtually) with two scoops of Rocky Road and Chocolate Rain Forest! And guess what? It cost me only 49Baht to be so contented.

Ended my night with the highly-anticipated movie- Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It is definitely a worth watching movie with fantastic visual and sound effect. The battle scenes are truly amazing and breathtaking.

Overall, my stay at Thailand has been an incredible one. I still have one week before I head back to our beloved country and hopefully I would be able to fully utilise my time here and make my excursion here a memorable one.

It's now 1.05am already. I am really tired and shall stop here. Good night!