Little thought

"Each time that one loves is the only time one has ever loved. Difference of object does not alter singleness of passion. It merely intensifies it. We can have but one great experience at best, and the secret of life is to reproduce that experience as often as possible."

The Picture of Dorian Gray

Between Love, Hypocrisy and Friendship

Define love. How to define? You tell me. Believe it or not, there is no precise definition for this four letter word.

I thought too great of this word. Too naive. Perhaps I'm ignorant. But ignorant is not bliss!

I believe in everything too easily. Not that I'm an idiot, but I choose to 'believe'.

I had learnt my lesson. An invaluable lesson. It left behind a beautiful memory and an ugly scar.

Between friendship and love, someone chose love. Between honesty and hypocrisy, the other one chose hypocrisy. Between friendship and hypocrisy, he chose hypocrisy.
I don't mind of being a specimen of love. At least, as sung by Beyonce, it was a beautiful nightmare.

I already felt very contented that Prince Charming had once loved Silly Boy. I believe, at that point of time, it was genuine.

At the end of the day, what matters most is that we had shared some precious moment together in the past.


*p/s: you know i will never hate you no matter what happened. all that i want is just honesty and your courage to confront me. don't feel ashamed . there is no right or wrong in a relationship. ironically, i see hypocrisy in love and friendship. five years down the road, if i happen to read back this post, i will definitely laugh at my innocent thought while reminiscing about our sweet moments. i believe you would too! i am and i will be the same Evillian that you have known.

The Road Not Taken

I don't write as well as other bloggers do.
I don't update my blog as frequent as you do.
I don't decorate my blog as beautiful as others do.
To say that I'm busy
and don't have time is just an excuse.

I seldom dwell on my personal feelings,
at least not as explicit as other bloggers do.
I'm a person who doesn't reveal much.
Even my friends don't know much about my private life.
I don't just go around
and tell people what I did on last Saturday night
or who I went out with on Sun afternoon.

Loneliness has become my loyal companion since small.
Dad and Mom were busy with their careers.
And they don't actually know what's my feeling being left alone.
Perhaps they don't even notice it.
I'm always keep my feelings within myself.
I have been neglected by my parents and
I actually hate being in a home
where dad and mom aren't always around.
What I desire most is not material needs
but love and attention from my beloved ones.

A lot of people are surprised
when I said I haven't had a relationship before.
As shocking as it could be, this is a fact.
I never come out to anyone, not even my best friend.
How could people expect me to have a boyfriend then?
I know, people have a lot to say.

I thought I have finally found my perfect guy.
A person who I could rely on.
Who I could share my happiness and sorrow.
Who I will shower with love and affection.
Yes, I did find one finally.

I know I'm not as perfect as the ex is.
I hope you don't compare.
Of course, you like me
because you are attracted by some part of me.
I know sometimes I sound demanding,
but actually,
I couldn't demand much coz it's a two parties thingy.
After all, we haven't even started officially yet.
The feelings are mutual, isn't it?
I hope both of us could give each other a chance,
at least, before you say it wouldn't work.

I know you share a happy and wonderful memory with him.
And so do I hope we could write ours as well.
I know I might sound selfish,
but sincerely I just hope that I'm given at least a chance.
Even a day will be sufficient.

Sometimes, it really hurts
when you listen to something which you do not like,
or which you do not expect to happen.
But, reality is cruel at times.
Days aren't always sunny.

I hope I'm not just a guy to fill that lonely gap.
A lacuna as it is called in law.
You're the right guy,
(my perfect guy)
but somehow the timing isn't perfect,
at least that is what you think
(Am I correct?)
When I read Ken's blog just now,
somehow I could relate to what he said,
though I haven't being in a relationship before.

Ken wrote:
"What can I do when all the signs are telling me that you no longer want me?
I'm not slow, I'm in denial."
The context might be different.
But does it reflect the situation in which we're stuck now?
I hope it doesn't. I really hope so.

Faith
I sincerely hope you have faith in both of us.
I have strong faith
not only in myself, but also you.

Future,
it is something which will happen in the days ahead.
We wouldn't know what will happen.
Perhaps as predicted by the Mayan Civilisation
the world will come to an end in 2012.

Who knows?
We don't know what will happen in futute.
Only God knows.
Whatever will be, will be.
We will be together if it is destined to be so.
Let God decide.
Please don't give up hope
For I believe there is still a glimmer of hope.
Don't shoot down any chance
even before you know the ending
Give both of us a chance at least.

Even if the world comes to an end in 2012,
I still believe there is little hope of surviving.
At least, I hope I will be given the chance to be in the ark.
It's just the same theory which I wanna share with you.

I care for you more than you realise.
I have fall for you deeper and deeper everyday.
I wanna say the L word many times,
but I hold back, coz I'm afraid you will be scared off.
(But, I did remember I said it once)

I know you are afraid of being tired
in such a relationship.
You afraid that both of us will suffer.
But actually I'm not afraid.
Coz if I've committed into this relationship
I wouldn't mind making sacrifices.
I even think of going to the same place to further my studies.

Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself.
I don't mean to put pressure on you in any means.
I just hope that you will understand my feelings.
Don't blame yourself,
coz I don't hope to see you suffer.
I won't hate you whatever happen in future
as you have an important place in my heart.
I will never hate you.

For now, I hope each day will be a better day.
It's not going to be an easy one.
But, like what Robert Frost penned,

"And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

*Dedicated to you, my special someone,

whom I feel affection for.

Assumption

Never say I assume!

When you assume, you try to think and accept that something is true but without having any proof of it. You choose to assume because you believe that something will happen. You have high hopes for that something to happen.

It is very stupid and foolish of me to make assumption and to imagine something which is imaginary, unreal, and make-believe. How foolish of me to tell a stranger of my silly imagination? It was just an assumption since the beginning. An assumption which I don't have any proof of it. It was only based on my one-sided judgment. I made my own judgment based on only what I see, what I think, and what I believe, from my narrow point of view. I only see from the vantage point of my own side. Perhaps it was just a misleading, narrow, and one-sided view.

It is often said that politics is too often concerned only with the personal vanities of politicians. I think that applies to love too. It was very conceited of me to make unfounded and baseless assumption. After everything was revealed to the other person, I feel ashamed because it is so vain of me too make such a foolish assumption though I do not realise that you are actually him. I realise that I'm too vain to making such an assumption and later regretted of making the silly assumption.

I learnt my lesson: Never say I assume!

I know you will be reading this and what I have told you is an honest and sincere feeling which comes from the bottom of my heart. That is NOT an assumption. It is a genuine feeling which I do not realise throughout the times. But, at one point of time, I suddenly realise and grasp that actually you are very important to me and have secured a place in my heart.