Between Love, Hypocrisy and Friendship

Define love. How to define? You tell me. Believe it or not, there is no precise definition for this four letter word.

I thought too great of this word. Too naive. Perhaps I'm ignorant. But ignorant is not bliss!

I believe in everything too easily. Not that I'm an idiot, but I choose to 'believe'.

I had learnt my lesson. An invaluable lesson. It left behind a beautiful memory and an ugly scar.

Between friendship and love, someone chose love. Between honesty and hypocrisy, the other one chose hypocrisy. Between friendship and hypocrisy, he chose hypocrisy.
I don't mind of being a specimen of love. At least, as sung by Beyonce, it was a beautiful nightmare.

I already felt very contented that Prince Charming had once loved Silly Boy. I believe, at that point of time, it was genuine.

At the end of the day, what matters most is that we had shared some precious moment together in the past.


*p/s: you know i will never hate you no matter what happened. all that i want is just honesty and your courage to confront me. don't feel ashamed . there is no right or wrong in a relationship. ironically, i see hypocrisy in love and friendship. five years down the road, if i happen to read back this post, i will definitely laugh at my innocent thought while reminiscing about our sweet moments. i believe you would too! i am and i will be the same Evillian that you have known.

Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis is a biological process by which an animal physically develops after birth or hatching, involving a conspicuous and relatively abrupt change in the animal's body structure through cell growth and differentiation.



For a human being like me, metamorphosis is a process in which a person changes completely into somebody different. If I were to be compared to a catterpillar, I should be now in the stage of a pupa waiting to evolve into an adult butterfly.



It has been almost half a month that I had not been able to online. Internet service at home was cut off and hence I was totally disconnected from the virtual world and the blogsphere.


I have certainly changed. I have been going out to know more people. From a person who didn't have much liking for alcohol, I started to like the feeling of getting drunk and 'high'. Clubbing has become a weekend activity for me. Change from good to bad? It depends on how you look at the whole scenario. At one hand, I have started to like alcohol which may not be a good thing. But, from another point of view, I begin to expand my network and to get into the circle. Yea.. clubbing brings me to another level. I frequent bar and club so often lately, not just ordinary bar or clubs, but gay ones. Never thought that I would enjoy dancing on the stage so much. And didn't know that I actually could drink.

Jason, an unsuspecting invitation of yours on that very night to Blue, was the starting point. Thanks for introducing me to Emp, Alfred, and Daniel. I appreciate it very much; because of you I get to know all of them who are all great friends. Hope our friendship will grow stronger.

(Hope to come out to some close friends soon. I have begin to have a rush to do so. When the time comes, the pupa will turn into a beautiful butterfly which could proudly spread its wings and fly.)

......

fyi: I'm deeply in love with someone so special to me now. But I have yet to confess to him. Never had such a strong feeling before. Hope if everything goes well I will begin my first serious relationship. =)

My Story

It has been 42 days since I last updated my blog. Quite a number of people asked me why I have not been writing any new post. The lame excuse that I often give them is that I'M BUSY. Ya, it's part of the reason, but more importantly I'm too lazy to update my blog. Having said that, my very reason for creating this blog is to write about the undisclosed and hidden secret of mine, or as what my blog name suggests, the story about my other side, but my mind always come to zilch whenever I wanna write a new post and this happened to me since a few months ago. Perhaps I'm too tired about this whole experience of writing about my sexuality.

Today I went shopping and had dinner alone. Not my first time. Perhaps I have so used to be alone. Both my dad and mom are busy people. I was always left alone since small. Though I have another brother to accompany me for 8 years before the birth of my little brother, we seldom get along. We are like cat and dog, even till now. Mom used to be a career woman who worked from day to night; while dad was always outstation. To be honest, I was never really close to both of them. The situation turned worse when dad was relocated by his company to another place. I only got to see him once a week then. Later, when dad was promoted to the senior management post in the company, we only met twice a month coz dad was flying around the country every week. I was quite an introvert person since small. Or perhaps you may say I am a shy guy. Naturally, I did not have many friends. I used to always kept myself at home while at the same time other kids were playing sports and having fun. Eventually, 'loneliness' has become my 'friend'. I might get whatever things I want (materially) and lived a comfortable life but I lacked what most of the people enjoy, attention and care from my parents. At some point (when I was a kid), I was closer to my babysitter than my dad and mom!

I would like to share with you the 'prequel' to the creation of this blog. This story dates back to barely 10 months ago. I stumbled upon this gay networking site called 'queerclique'. Immediately, I was attracted and registered an account. Here, I met a cute guy, YM. He added me as a friend and later we began to chat through MSN. Neither I nor him put any pictures of our face on our profiles. It was jz friendship at the beginning which later developed into a relationship. He began to miss me when he didn't see me online for a week and he confessed that to me. I felt the same. And that was the very first time a guy said 'I love you' to me. My heart was pounding so fast at that moment. Ya...he's my first love. We stayed far from each other. So, I was not able to meet up with him. The only way for us to communicate and see each other is through webcam. It gave me a kinda "so near yet so far" feeling. Everyday, I looked forward to seeing him through webcam. I never had such a strong feeling before. When I went back to my home town during my school break, I was not able to communicate with him as the internet at my house was cut. I came back to PJ a week later and tried to contact him. But i didn't see him online for the whole week. So I checked him on Facebook. He's still active at Facebook. I called him but to no avail. I sent dozens of email to him but he didn't reply. I waited for weeks on MSN. I know deep down in my heart that he's trying to avoid me even though I kept telling myself he's not. I cried. I was in a really bad mood. But I told myself that it's not worth-it to cry for such useless guy. A guy who used to say "I love you" so many time to me; who made so many empty promises. Fortunately, I was just in the beginning of the relationship and had not gone too far. I tried to forget him and continue with my life as usual.

In early January, I stumbled upon a blog, Alexander The Gay, while I was googling and that's the turning point of my life. I was inspired by Alex (the blogger) and his stories about his ups and downs when coming out to his family. I decided to start a blog as an avenue for me to jot down my feelings and my story as a closeted gay. Here, I begin to make friends with other bloggers and I started to understand more on gay issues. I am really happy to know Jason, Jen and Aaron. You guys are really nice and supportive friends. Hope to hang out with you guys again soon.

This blog certainly changed my life in some ways. It's really inspiring to see other people who had taken their first step in coming out to everyone and how they had gone through the worst of their life to be where they are today. I am also fascinated by countless love stories posted on the blogs and I shared their happiness and sorrows.

Beginning from Queerclique to this blog, I have gone through a tremendous change and process. Even though, it might seem as if it's jz babysteps but to me it's already a big leap forward. I know there are many obstacles waiting for me to overcome before I could proudly say out loud to people "I AM GAY" and live an honourable life as a gay person.

"Man, I resent people telling others how to live! It drives me mental! Just the other night, I heard this TV reverend say that Angie and I were setting a bad example because we were living out of wedlock, and people should not be duped by us! It made me laugh. What damn right does anyone have to tell someone else how to live if they're not hurting anyone? " - BRAD PITT

Meeting up

Jason had been asking me out for several times but I always turn down his offer. Perhaps I was not ready and was worried too much.

Jen flew to KL on Wednesday and Aaron has just returned from India. Jason had some plans in mind to meet each other. But it never crosses my mind that one day later I will meet all of them together. It's too fast for it to become a reality. Jen messaged me the moment he touched down at KL. I was surprised coz I never give him my number. Anyway, I knew who gave it to him. Haha...

Jason was planning to meet Jen on Friday and he did ask me whether I am free that day. I didn't promise anything. Anyway, Jason didn't tell me much about his plans. I have been chatting with Jen almost everyday on MSN and asked him several times about Jason's plan. But both of us (or perhaps only me) seemed not to have anny clues about the 'meeting-up thingy'.

And finally on Thursday night I only knew that maybe Jason will meet up with Jen on Saturday. I went to KL city on Friday morning to settle some important matters and later in the afternoon I messaged Jen when I reached home. Suddenly I had the strong feeling of wanted to meet up with Jen and Jason. Hence, I texted Jen.

Me: Are u free tonight?
Jen: Yes. Hehe. Me with aaron now. Are you ok with it?

I was surprised. Hrmm...Aaron has reached KL? I didn't know about that but slowly I recalled Jason telling me one month ago about meeting up with Jen and Aaron. I didn't know that actually both Jen and Aaron knew each other. I asked Jen whether we can meet up for supper. Planned everything in that afternoon and informed Jason. I think he's surprised that I initiated the meeting. Haha... I was anxious and sent so many sms to make sure everything is ok.

Confirmed the venue and time, and I was all ready for the meeting. I would fetch Jen and Aaron at the LRT station. I planned for supper at Murni (hottest mamak in PJ) on 11.00pm. Jen and Aaron were staying in KL city and I do not know how to drive there. So, they took LRT and I would fetch them at the LRT station.

I was on my way to the LRT station when Jen texted me that they had reached. I arrived at the LRT station but could not see anyone of them. Messaged Jen but he didn't reply. I was worried. Called Jen and told him I was waiting for them. Finally I saw Jen and Aaron from afar.

Haha... I was so anxious. The idea of meeting them did not even cross my mind until that afternoon. And of course they were surprised that I asked them out for supper as I have been the one who always rejected the idea of meeting up. Anyway, Jen and Aaron were really nice. Aaron was chatty and kept talking till we reached Murni. Jen and Aaron did most of the talking and I was the more quiet one [as expected ;) ]. Jason was having company dinner and arrived late. I finally meet him in person after turning him down for so many times. (Jason...sorry ya...)

We talked about bloggers who we think is hot and good looking, movies, perfume, piercing, etc.
Chatted till around 1.ooam before we left. I was really happy to meet up with them. They're indeed a wonderful bunch of friends.

Haha... It was great knowing all of you. ;) And thanks for accepting me as your friend.

Ambush

It was raining cats and dogs this afternoon. Attended a meeting for almost an hour and it was still raining when the meeting ended. My coursemate, MS, asked whether I would follow her and other girls for dinner. I nodded and we decided to go for dinner at Mid Valley. Met up with the other girls there and only manage to come to an agreement on where to have dinner after a long deliberation. As usual, we gossiped about everything while waiting for our food. Everyone of us were busy talking about the recent campus election where lotz of nasty incidence had happened. (what happened in the campus were not of importance...). The conversation went on and on till we were at the end of dinner. We talked about places of fine dining and suddenly one of them suggested a place and said I shall bring CJ to dine there as it will be very romantic. CJ is one of my closest friend at university and I am always be seen to be together with her. Rumour has it that I like her and that we are a couple. (but who would ever know that I like guys and not gals) Then, MS asked me which type of gals I like and she said I suppose to like gals like CJ. I jz kept quiet, not responding to their questions. All of them ambushed me. MS even ask me when I would get married. I didn't answer. They cleverly make a conclusion that my silence means that I agreed to what they have said and my non-denial implies that I like CJ. How could I explain to them that CJ is only a close friend and I am actually gay? MS ambushed me again and looked at me trying to get an answer from me whether I like CJ. 'You've asked me the wrong question!' I replied MS. Does my answer impliedly told her that I'm gay? I didn't intend to signal her. But it jz happened. She didn't asked anything further. Paid our bills and went window shopping. I had already be ambushed by my other coursemates for several times. They jz can't let me go without me admitting that I like CJ. But the fact is that I'm gay and CJ is only a good friend of mine. Really don't know how to handle all those questions. (by the way, CJ is a beauty who a guy might fall in love at the first sight)