Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis is a biological process by which an animal physically develops after birth or hatching, involving a conspicuous and relatively abrupt change in the animal's body structure through cell growth and differentiation.



For a human being like me, metamorphosis is a process in which a person changes completely into somebody different. If I were to be compared to a catterpillar, I should be now in the stage of a pupa waiting to evolve into an adult butterfly.



It has been almost half a month that I had not been able to online. Internet service at home was cut off and hence I was totally disconnected from the virtual world and the blogsphere.


I have certainly changed. I have been going out to know more people. From a person who didn't have much liking for alcohol, I started to like the feeling of getting drunk and 'high'. Clubbing has become a weekend activity for me. Change from good to bad? It depends on how you look at the whole scenario. At one hand, I have started to like alcohol which may not be a good thing. But, from another point of view, I begin to expand my network and to get into the circle. Yea.. clubbing brings me to another level. I frequent bar and club so often lately, not just ordinary bar or clubs, but gay ones. Never thought that I would enjoy dancing on the stage so much. And didn't know that I actually could drink.

Jason, an unsuspecting invitation of yours on that very night to Blue, was the starting point. Thanks for introducing me to Emp, Alfred, and Daniel. I appreciate it very much; because of you I get to know all of them who are all great friends. Hope our friendship will grow stronger.

(Hope to come out to some close friends soon. I have begin to have a rush to do so. When the time comes, the pupa will turn into a beautiful butterfly which could proudly spread its wings and fly.)

......

fyi: I'm deeply in love with someone so special to me now. But I have yet to confess to him. Never had such a strong feeling before. Hope if everything goes well I will begin my first serious relationship. =)

My Story

It has been 42 days since I last updated my blog. Quite a number of people asked me why I have not been writing any new post. The lame excuse that I often give them is that I'M BUSY. Ya, it's part of the reason, but more importantly I'm too lazy to update my blog. Having said that, my very reason for creating this blog is to write about the undisclosed and hidden secret of mine, or as what my blog name suggests, the story about my other side, but my mind always come to zilch whenever I wanna write a new post and this happened to me since a few months ago. Perhaps I'm too tired about this whole experience of writing about my sexuality.

Today I went shopping and had dinner alone. Not my first time. Perhaps I have so used to be alone. Both my dad and mom are busy people. I was always left alone since small. Though I have another brother to accompany me for 8 years before the birth of my little brother, we seldom get along. We are like cat and dog, even till now. Mom used to be a career woman who worked from day to night; while dad was always outstation. To be honest, I was never really close to both of them. The situation turned worse when dad was relocated by his company to another place. I only got to see him once a week then. Later, when dad was promoted to the senior management post in the company, we only met twice a month coz dad was flying around the country every week. I was quite an introvert person since small. Or perhaps you may say I am a shy guy. Naturally, I did not have many friends. I used to always kept myself at home while at the same time other kids were playing sports and having fun. Eventually, 'loneliness' has become my 'friend'. I might get whatever things I want (materially) and lived a comfortable life but I lacked what most of the people enjoy, attention and care from my parents. At some point (when I was a kid), I was closer to my babysitter than my dad and mom!

I would like to share with you the 'prequel' to the creation of this blog. This story dates back to barely 10 months ago. I stumbled upon this gay networking site called 'queerclique'. Immediately, I was attracted and registered an account. Here, I met a cute guy, YM. He added me as a friend and later we began to chat through MSN. Neither I nor him put any pictures of our face on our profiles. It was jz friendship at the beginning which later developed into a relationship. He began to miss me when he didn't see me online for a week and he confessed that to me. I felt the same. And that was the very first time a guy said 'I love you' to me. My heart was pounding so fast at that moment. Ya...he's my first love. We stayed far from each other. So, I was not able to meet up with him. The only way for us to communicate and see each other is through webcam. It gave me a kinda "so near yet so far" feeling. Everyday, I looked forward to seeing him through webcam. I never had such a strong feeling before. When I went back to my home town during my school break, I was not able to communicate with him as the internet at my house was cut. I came back to PJ a week later and tried to contact him. But i didn't see him online for the whole week. So I checked him on Facebook. He's still active at Facebook. I called him but to no avail. I sent dozens of email to him but he didn't reply. I waited for weeks on MSN. I know deep down in my heart that he's trying to avoid me even though I kept telling myself he's not. I cried. I was in a really bad mood. But I told myself that it's not worth-it to cry for such useless guy. A guy who used to say "I love you" so many time to me; who made so many empty promises. Fortunately, I was just in the beginning of the relationship and had not gone too far. I tried to forget him and continue with my life as usual.

In early January, I stumbled upon a blog, Alexander The Gay, while I was googling and that's the turning point of my life. I was inspired by Alex (the blogger) and his stories about his ups and downs when coming out to his family. I decided to start a blog as an avenue for me to jot down my feelings and my story as a closeted gay. Here, I begin to make friends with other bloggers and I started to understand more on gay issues. I am really happy to know Jason, Jen and Aaron. You guys are really nice and supportive friends. Hope to hang out with you guys again soon.

This blog certainly changed my life in some ways. It's really inspiring to see other people who had taken their first step in coming out to everyone and how they had gone through the worst of their life to be where they are today. I am also fascinated by countless love stories posted on the blogs and I shared their happiness and sorrows.

Beginning from Queerclique to this blog, I have gone through a tremendous change and process. Even though, it might seem as if it's jz babysteps but to me it's already a big leap forward. I know there are many obstacles waiting for me to overcome before I could proudly say out loud to people "I AM GAY" and live an honourable life as a gay person.

"Man, I resent people telling others how to live! It drives me mental! Just the other night, I heard this TV reverend say that Angie and I were setting a bad example because we were living out of wedlock, and people should not be duped by us! It made me laugh. What damn right does anyone have to tell someone else how to live if they're not hurting anyone? " - BRAD PITT

The Land of Smiles

Sorry for my long absence. Have not been constantly updating my blog as I devote myself to work and commitment.

I'm now in Thailand, also dubbed as "the Land of Smiles", doing a short vocation. Today is my 20th day in this beautiful country renowned for its warm hospitality.

It was really exciting travelling for more than 2500km up north to be part of a volunteer programme. This is also my first time travelling alone to a foreign land without my parents and my longest stay abroad.

Thailand or more specifically Bangkok is truly a shopping paradise. You can basically get anything you can think of at the shopping malls and market here, even to the extent of getting luxurious car like Lamborghini Gallardo (the second floor at Siam Paragon are fulled with luxurious sport cars like Lamborghini, Maserati, Porsche and Audi).

A stunning white Lamborghini Gallardo!

Lamborghini Murcielago which accelerates from 0 to 100km in less than 4 second.

The extravagant scene really blew up my mind. I was stunned by the excessiveness of the gigantic malls such as the Siam Paragon (the equivalent of Pavillion, KL). As an avid shopper, you would never get bored in Bangkok, the list of shopping malls is never-ending- Siam Paragon, Siam Discovery, Siam Centre, Central World, MBK, Gaysorn, Platinum Mall, Pantip Plaza, and so on. I spent more than 5000 Baht in just two days in Bangkok. The range of food available in this big city is broader than in KL. I could testify to that just as I finished eating my MOS Burger.

I bade farewell to Bangkok before I headed further up north. Today, June 24th, is my 17th day living in this peaceful and lovely northern city of Siam. I had a bowl of yummy Kueh Chap and a plate of exotic and spicy Nam Prik for my dinner tonight. And Swensen's Ice Cream was the choice of dessert to end our dinner outing. I was in heaven (virtually) with two scoops of Rocky Road and Chocolate Rain Forest! And guess what? It cost me only 49Baht to be so contented.

Ended my night with the highly-anticipated movie- Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It is definitely a worth watching movie with fantastic visual and sound effect. The battle scenes are truly amazing and breathtaking.

Overall, my stay at Thailand has been an incredible one. I still have one week before I head back to our beloved country and hopefully I would be able to fully utilise my time here and make my excursion here a memorable one.

It's now 1.05am already. I am really tired and shall stop here. Good night!

Mixed Feeling

Have you ever wonder about your sexuality?

Having nothing to do for the holidays leaves me an idle person. I have been thinking much about my sexuality especially after quarrelling with mom.

I remember I first fall in love with a beautiful girl (CJ) in my school when I was in Primary Six. At that time, CJ was in the class next to mine. For the following six years, she was in the same class with me. CJ was the 'school flower' (Chinese saying to describe the most beautiful girl in school). Later, my feeling for her eventually vanishes. I still had some liking for a few girls when I was in Form 1, not until the time in Form 2 when I discovered actually I like guys. It has ever been so since then.

But somehow lately I feel guity for what I am. I doubt my sexuality. I do not know why. Perhaps when you are to free, you tend to think too much. That's the only reason I can come up with.

I still doubt. Even though I have not been asking myself that question since I knew about it when I was 14. That question never crosses my mind, not until last week.

I really feel insecure and worried. What would be my future?

Who knows? I doubt no one would have an answer for that quandary. Only God knows.

...

Going Back Home

I'm now devouring a freshly baked chicken onion roll while sipping a cup of hot latte at Starbucks. Guess what? In one hour more, I will be sitting in a Fokker plane which will fly me back to my hometown up north. Guys, I shall write my next blog when I reach home safely. Ciao!

Finally Back

It has been a long hiatus. I'm back after a long battle in exam. At least now I'm rejuvenated having enjoying myself with trips and outing for a week after my disastrous exam. Basically, now I totally don't have any idea what to write here as you guys know that I have been absent for quite some time. Need to adapt myself to blog writing again. Of course it will take some time. I have a lot to share with all of you. Definitely much to catch up. To be frank, I don't know what to write. I think I am back to a beginner again. Hopefully in the next few days I will be able to blog something.

Till then, wait patiently! Haha.. :)

(Anyway, Happy Mother's Day! I love you, Mommy!)

Temporary Inactive Status

I will be temporary inactive for about one and a half month because I need to spend more time on my studies. Finals is coming soon and I haven't even started preparing yet. I'm really blurred on all subjects this semester and could feel the tension now as I do not hope to fail any subject this semester (had already failed one subject last sem and can't afford to fail anymore). Two more assignments are due this month. Perhaps I have joined too many school activities this year.

Thanks for visiting this blog. I wouldn't have make it so far if it wasn't for the support and kind comments given by my fellow bloggers and blog readers all this while. I appreciate it very much. I would also like to apologise for not able to give full commitment to my blog.

To those who are also going to sit for their finals, let's work hard together. And to those who are not, best of luck in everything you do.

I will be back around early May. I love blogging and I promise I would not let my passion dies.

Stay tuned... ;)